She Tears it Down

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Photo by Connor Misset on Unsplash

With Valentine’s Day just past, I was thinking about the difference between happy and unhappy marriages. We have seen examples of both.

In happy marriages, the husband and wife care for each other by paying attention to each other. They will stop what they are doing to help or listen to or encourage the other. There are frequent touches, both physical and emotional throughout the day. There is support when the other is having a hard time or is ill or is exhausted. In other words, they each are trying to do what will help the other.

In unhappy marriages, one or both are disengaged. They are ignoring or repulsing the other. They ‘stonewall’ to protect themselves or to punish the other. They avoid each other some or all the time. They hurt, instead of help each other.

Among unhappy marriages, there are those who just have gotten too involved in their own sphere of life and forget the importance of the frequent contacts with their spouse. I call these the neglectful ones. They may surface at times like Valentines Day to treat their spouse as special. This is good, but it doesn’t take the place of the daily touches that make a happy marriage.

Then there are the unhappy marriages where one or both have turned outside the marriage for the kind of friendship that would be in a happy marriage. They may be accusing the other of neglect or hurtfulness or infidelity. With their accusation, they feel justified in pursuing a caring relationship outside their marriage. So, these may be full-blown affairs or emotional dependence.

Of course, there are men who are mean, abusive, terrible husbands. There is little or nothing a wife to a man like this can do to have a happy marriage.

Then there are wives who have decent, hard-working, but insensitive husbands. These men are often good providers. They got the idea that to be a good husband was to provide well for their family. They may be good enough in bed and be good enough fathers. But they just don’t communicate much with their wife and are not very attentive to her needs.

A wife with a husband like that can still love and care for her husband. She can pray for him. She can talk to him about ways he could be more connected. But even if he never changes, she can still find her happiness in God-pleasing ways. This is hard and it means living with unmet needs, but God will honor her and their children and show her how to be a blessing to others.

Proverbs 14:1. It says, “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish one pulls it down with her hands.”  

I have met foolish wives. I always come away grieved that I cannot do anything to help them become wise women. They throw down what could be a good life.

A foolish woman may meet the requirements for a good wife. She may cook good food, keep the clothes washed and pressed, dust and sweep the house. She may take good care of her children. She may work outside and add to the family finances. But. . .

  • She pays little attention to her husband. She may find him ‘boring’ or non-communicative. She feels she has good reason to not even try to discuss life with her husband.
  • She is critical of everything her husband does. She can never be satisfied. She thinks he doesn’t do anything up to her standard. a
  • She focuses on her own interests and has little regard for what he’s interested in.
  • She makes sure to win every argument or make him pay if he ever succeeds in winning.
  • She gossips and is shameless in her tales of her husband’s short comings.
  • She chooses to sleep in another room or prefers sleeping with her child rather than her husband.
  • She centers her whole life around her baby or children and never gives her husband her undivided attention.
  • She may simply draw into herself and quit trying to make her marriage work.
  • She either lets herself go and pays no attention to her appearance or she becomes sexy in her dress and flirtatious with other men.
  • She gets shrill or silent, whichever seems to hurt or frustrate her husband more.
  • When her foolishness is full-grown, she has an affair with another man.
  • Ultimately, she either files for divorce or makes life so miserable for her husband that he feels he has no choice but to divorce her.

When we meet a woman who is tearing down her home with her own hands, she seldom uses only one of these tactics. The couple may come for ‘counseling’ at the request or requirement of their pastor, but their heart is not in it and they only want a rubber-stamp for their decision to break up their marriage.

My heart grieves. I grieve for both the husband and the wife. I grieve for their children who will suffer greatly and carry a warped view of marriage into their own marriages. I grieve for their friends and family who had such high hopes for them on their wedding day.

(I am not saying divorce is always wrong. It may be the only way to be safe for you and your children. But divorce is always a shredding of hearts and lives.)

If you are in a less than happy marriage, please do what you can to rekindle the love you had before you married. Remember the good things about him and remind him of happier days. If you are not finding solutions, please talk to a counselor or pastor. They cannot cause your spouse to become your idea of a model husband. They can, however, help you to become a better version of yourself and one who pleases God with her attitudes and actions. When you are not tearing down your home with your own hands, your husband may see the change and love it enough to change too.  

To see a video about modes of communication that tear a marriage apart, click: The 4 Horsemen

If you wonder whether you can make a difference in an unsatisfying marriage, read Mike’s article: Can One Partner Make a Difference

Each One

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Ephesians Devotions – part 3

God has a master plan for His creation. He has a plan that includes all of creation and each one of us individually. His purpose is to fulfill His cosmic plan.

Our Bible tells us what we need to know about His purpose for humanity and his plan to fulfill that goal. Much of that plan is beyond anything we can know or even imagine. But He has revealed some details of that mystery for us. And He has revealed as much as we need to believe in His good plan and purpose for us.

Being human, we can’t know by ordinary provable means this plan or solve this mystery. That’s part of the genius of God’s plan. We must trust Him. We must believe by faith that God is and that He is working out His purpose in the moment and in the ages.

God knew that much of humanity would never believe Him or be willing to be a part of fulfilling His purpose among men on earth. But He also knew those who would believe Him and trust Him and do their part in the mystery of the ages.

Ephesians 1 says, “He chose us before the creation of the world.” It says, “He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ.” It says about the Jews who believed Jesus was the Christ, “In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will.” It further says about the Gentile believers, “You also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation.” In these few verses, Paul has made sure we all know that we were chosen, predestined, and included in God’s salvation plan.

So, if we believe that Jesus is God’s provision for our redemption from sin, we were chosen and predestined for salvation. Nothing and no one, could keep us from His plan.

If we don’t believe, but are still alive, we can still be one of God’s chosen and predestined people. If we won’t believe, then John 3:18-19 says, ‘Whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. This is the verdict: light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.’

So, if we were chosen by God and predestined for sonship, we are important to God. We’re not just one of the billions of inhabitants of this planet. He had work prepared in advance for each of us to do (Ephesians 2:10).

There are people that we meet and know that no one on earth has ever prayed for. Even if there is a reason we cannot talk to them about God, we can pray for them. There are things we can do for people that no one else can do for them. They may reject everything their family would say to them, but as a friend or colleague or boss, we can tell them the mystery of life in Jesus.

Do you know that you are part of a kingdom that will never end? Do you see your everyday duties and choices as part of God’s plan? A word to a neighbor today may change the course of their life for God’s plan and purpose. Your part doesn’t have to be halfway around the world, it could be in your own home with your own family.

We are each important in God’s eternal purpose and plan.

Most Bible characters are only mentioned once. They are cited for one thing they did or said. That one thing was important to God’s plan. We don’t know about the rest of their lives, the people they loved and cared for, or the troubles they overcame. Yet, God highlighted them to make sure we could know these, too, played key roles in His plan.

It is good to know we are chosen. It is better to choose to cooperate with God and His plan, even though there is so much we don’t understand. It is awesome to think God cares that much for each one of us individually!

Consider Creation

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Ephesians Devotions – part 2

I have been almost overwhelmed by the thought of God’s greatness. The greatness of creation is the focus of this post. I did some fact checking on just three aspects of the creation.

First is about the enormity of creation. Our own galaxy, the Milky Way, has at least 100 billion stars in it. That number is just too big to comprehend. So I asked how long it would take to count to 100 billion. If we started counting one number at a time it would take 3,100 years of continual counting to reach this number! And our galaxy is only one of millions upon millions of galaxies! With a creation that enormous, it’s not a big stretch to believe in heaven and a new earth.

Here’s just one way to think about the intricacies of the microscopic creation. One of the smallest bits of creation we are all familiar with is sand. One grain of sand has 27 million atoms with 36 quarks each or 972 million quarks! And there is probably something smaller than quarks that we just don’t know about yet.

The third way I looked at creation is human life. More than 107 billion people have lived on earth! 7 billion are living today with 220,000 more added every day or 20 million added each year. Yet everyone of those people live within very tiny margins. Generally, humans can only survive 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water, 3 weeks without food. (I know there are exceptions, but they are rare!) At the same time, people can live in the tropics and deserts and also in tundra and arctic. Our bodies can adjust to some very harsh conditions. We are fearfully and wonderfully made!

Our God is an awesome God and He created a universe huge AND microscopic that is more than our minds can contain! What a mighty God we serve! I love the song the Nigerians sing to those words!

The flip-side of all this is that our God knows and cares for each person living and who has lived on earth and ever will live on earth. What a loving God has us!

He knew us before He created the world. He knew we could never be good enough to be in His presence. Yet, He wanted our love. He planned before creation how He would make that possible. He didn’t want us to have to wait for heaven to see Him and love Him. He made Himself known in the person of Jesus. And now He makes Himself known to us personally by the Holy Spirit.

Enjoy Him today. Thank Him and spend time in His presence. Listen for His encouragement, direction, and wisdom. To get ever closer to this Amazing God is the goal of my life.

How about you?

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  • To see the first part of the Ephesians Devotions, click: Mystery
  • To see the third part of the Ephesians Devotions, click: Each One

Smell the Roses

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When was the last time you stopped to smell the roses? OK, I know, roses don’t have much of their beautiful fragrance anymore. But the idiom is still true. Do you take time to enjoy the moment?

Some ways I have ‘stopped to smell the roses’ lately, might give you some ideas of things you can do.

I go to a women’s gym three times a week. I started to go to do what I can to prevent osteoporosis which is common in my family. But I can become so focused on keeping my heart rate up and working hard, that it feels like hard work and not any fun. That’s when I take a breath and look for ways to enjoy what I’m doing. I start learning a new calisthenic exercise with the group. I pay attention to feeling muscles that I didn’t know I had, stretch and contract. I concentrate on my breathing to just enjoy the inflow of fresh cool air.

When we drive our car, I watch the sky. Recently we saw a very unusual opening in some gray clouds for glorious sun rays to shine through. You’ve seen scenes like that too. Right? Stop and marvel.

A friend likes to take a little stroll in the evening, look the moon or stars, and feel the breeze on her skin. I enjoyed a walk with her recently. I seldom go out after sundown. I will think about doing that more often now.

Since I’ve started sketching, I’m always looking for something that is pretty or unusual to photograph. I keep those lovely pictures, so I have reference photos to sketch later. I enjoy those images over and over again until I’m ready to capture them on paper. Later, I have the original and my rendering to enjoy when I don’t have to be concentrating on something else.

The other thing I have noticed is that it doesn’t take a long time to be refreshed by one of these ‘smelling the roses’ occasions. Often it is paying attention for just a minute or two, yet the effects can last for a long time. I remember them later and let them put a smile on my face again.

When I am falling asleep at night, I let scripture passages I’ve memorized play on my mind. I often get an insight into those verses that I don’t see when I’m focusing closely on learning the words.

Psalm 23:2-3 was one of those recently. “He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.” He makes a place for me to lie down. He doesn’t push me to the ground and tower over me like some big bully. He knows when I need to lie down and urges me as a good shepherd to lie down in green pastures. Still waters may be dressed in a cloak of diamonds with the birds soaring overhead. Like a good sheep, I should stop and enjoy the breeze, watch the clouds, enjoy the company of others who also need to rest. In all of this He restores my soul.

 What a treasure it is to our souls when we take the time to enjoy what God has provided for us!

The Ordinary

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I’ve come across a few different articles recently about people feeling ordinary and seeing their work as ordinary. Here are some of my thoughts about ‘the ordinary.’

We usually see Bible characters as full of excitement, anointing, heroic acts, and outstanding visitations with angels and God himself. Yet these events were just moments, days or occasionally periods of their lives. But most of the time life was ordinary.

Noah lived 500 years before he had his three sons. Then God told him to build the ark and the flood happened when Noah was 600 years old. A year later, they were able to leave the ark and resume their ordinary life. He died when he was 950 years old. Now that is a whole lot of ordinary days!

Sarah was the wife of a wealthy shepherd. But for most of their lives she was a barren wife making a home for Abraham in the wilderness. She lived 127 years. She had a few extraordinary days when she was in Abimelech’s palace after saying Abraham was her brother instead of her husband. And her pregnancy and delivery in her old age were extraordinary. But most days were ordinary.

Now since God created us and usually gives us 70 or so years in this life, what are we to do with all the ordinary days?

Work– a part of our ordinary life

We know the redemption story. We’ve prayed the sinner’s prayer. We have quiet time with our Father. And we still sin. We still have ordinary days filled with rush and waiting, frustration and needs, repetitious work.

Paul says that God is not far from each one of us.  “‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’”- Acts 17:2

I think it comes down to how we see our ordinary life.

For me, the key is in Colossians 3. In verse 17, “And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” And verses 23-24, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”

Emily Jensen in Risen Motherhood wrote, “It might be mundane to fold laundry. But it’s extraordinary to do it patiently with joy and a heart of love. It might be mundane to sit on the couch and read another book to a whiny four-year-old, but it’s extraordinary to show kindness and mercy to an undeserving sinner. It might be mundane to fill the fridge with groceries, but it’s extraordinary to praise God for his provision. Our everyday moments might be ordinary. But when we accomplish them while displaying the fruit of the Spirit, they reflect our extraordinary Savior.”

If we see every task, every challenge, and every conversation as an opportunity from our Father for us to be a channel of His love and mercy, even the ordinary will seem more worthwhile. Of course, we won’t manage that all the time. We’ll fail to express God’s grace, but we get up, brush ourselves off and begin in the next moment to be His channel for this broken world.

C.S. Lewis said, “. . . behind that toil of yours is God. It is He who is working through that brain of yours. It is He who is toiling through that hand of yours. It is He who is moving out into that expression through every honest task you ever tried. There is not a thing you do then whether in shop or home or office, but will begin to flash with a new meaning and seem as if it were worthier to be done.”

Our goal should be to more often do our tasks for Jesus instead of for our own glory or to please someone else.

Our ordinary days will have eternal repercussions and eternal rewards.

Rest – a part of our ordinary life

We have some ordinary days for rest. We need rhythms of rest. We need times for extra rest after times of extra activity or when ill or when burdened by cares. And rest is God’s gift to us on those ordinary days.

Some people feel any rest is time wasted for God and His kingdom. They seem to feel it is only activity that God can bless.

I think it is interesting that after God gives the commandment to have a Sabbath day of rest, He says, “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” Ex. 33:14

If we just stop working, but our minds and hearts are still full of struggling and worry and fear, we still don’t have the rest God intends for us. He desires that we lay down our fretting and trust Him, then our rest is sweet and refreshing.

So when we have an ordinary day that gives opportunity for more rest than usual, we should rest and thank God for the refreshing He gives. Lay down our burdens and refuse to fret. God gives us time to rest, too.

Psa. 23: 2-3, “He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. Her restores my soul.”

In an article I wrote to women serving in the nations I wrote, “We never know when some ordinary day will become an extraordinary day. Mary was visited by an angel on an ordinary day. Jesus called his disciples on ordinary days. Those days were pivotal not only for those people, but for multitudes through the ages. An ordinary conversation with a neighbor could change the future of the people you serve. Many great things start from a small beginning.”

Take a moment to consider:

Am I looking my activity on ordinary days as opportunities to be a channel of His love and mercy?

Am I doing all my tasks as though I were doing them for the Lord? If I do it that way, how will it differ from my usual way of doing it?

Can I accept my busyness and my rest as both pleasing to God when done at the right time and the right way?

To read more I’ve written about The Ordinary see:

Ordinary Woman and Ordinary Bread