My husband and I have been teaching marriage and family courses for more than 35 years. I have been sharing information on baby and child development since 2006. We enjoy leading couples through premarital counseling to help lay good foundations for a marriage that will last their whole lives. Couple and Baby is our way of extending that preparation into parenting. Our goal is to see couples have marriages that thrive while raising their children and set an example for the next generation.
I will be sharing ways to help you both strengthen your relationship so you can cope constructively with the changes coming with the birth of a baby. Pregnancy and delivery are just the start of the journey into parenting. So no matter how far along that road you are, there are steps you can take to strengthen your friendship and improve the outcome of your conflicts.
Here are some of the reasons why the birth of a baby causes so much unhappiness when it should be the beginning of one of the happiest parts of your life as a couple.
- Identities change- women are now a mother as well as daughter, wife, etc. Men are now a father as well as son, husband, etc.
- Time must be spent differently.
- Values change towards work, finances, free-time, etc.
- Sex and intimacy change.
- Communication often decreases or becomes more stressful.
- Some fathers withdraw and some moms rely more on female relationships for support.
- Sleep deprivation is common.
- Exhaustion and depression add stress.
Dr. John Gottman describes the couples who succeed in these adaptations as “masters” and those who fail as “disasters.”
The goal is to help you be among the masters at integrating your baby into your family life.
The concepts I will be sharing are important throughout a couple’s relationship. The motto of the class is “small things often.” There is no one big thing that will ensure happiness. It is the small acts of kindness, small acts of understanding, and small acts of conflict regulation every day that will make a difference over time. The goal is to incorporate these skills into your daily life. That will make positive changes in your relationship. These small steps bring larger rewards over time as you continue your journey through life.
The first step to deepening your friendship is to know your spouse better by being aware of and learning their likes and dislikes, preferences, daily activities, hobbies, life dreams, and history. You will have an opportunity to practice this skill in the Open-Ended Question Exercise at the end of this first lesson.
We’ll get to much more about dealing with conflict in the lessons ahead. For now, try learning something new about your spouse often. You will be building your foundation of friendship. Everything else we’ll discuss is built on this base of friendship.
Now how does all that apply to being the best possible parents for your child? While you’re learning about your spouse, learn something new every day about your baby by observation. How does he or she react to noise and new tastes and smiles? What is your baby’s attitude to strangers and being alone and to touch? How active is your baby and at what time of the day or night? Share these insights with your baby’s dad or mom. These will help you build a foundation for your shared relationship with your baby. We’ll also talk more about this in another lesson.