We need to be aware that not every problem is solvable. In other words, there may not be a way to come to agreement on many issues that you face in your marriage. There are Solvable problems and Perpetual problems.
Solvable problems are mostly irritants and annoyances that cause minimal frustration. These can be resolved because there is room for negotiating and compromise.
Perpetual problems on the other hand, are more intense and recur periodically. These problems usually have some underlying root for the conflict. They may have to do with personality differences, issues brought into the marriage, or the meaning attached to an action. Gottman’s research indicates as many as 69% of relationship problems are perpetual.
When perpetual problems resurface, we try to find the best workable solution for the time being. Knowing we cannot agree, we make a decision about our actions for the near future.
For example for years, my husband would want complete accounting for any money I spent while he was away on a trip. I was never careless with money, so I resented what seemed like his distrust of me. This was a perpetual problem. I tried different methods of keeping track of what I spent. These ‘solutions’ each worked for a while and then we’d have another argument.
Finally after many years, he told me he didn’t want to be that way. Just knowing he realized it was his problem and that he wanted to change, helped me tremendously. He had been very poor as a young adult and needed to watch every cent. He realized that it was no longer an issue. Understanding that, I was able to take his questions with more grace. And over time, he no longer asked at all.
Dealing with Perpetual Problems
So perpetual problems can have a temporary compromise. They will crop up again because the root problem has not been solved. Sometimes we just have to agree to disagree, but not be disagreeable about the issue.
In the next few lessons we will be dealing with ways to manage these conflicts. These lessons will work with both kinds of conflict, but it is best to practice using them on solvable problems and then you will be more ready to find ways to compromise with the perpetual conflicts.