Mom and Dad During Pregnancy

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As soon as the woman is aware she is pregnant, changes begin in the home. When, and how, does she tell her husband that he is a father? How will he react? The baby isn’t even born, yet attitudes about this new little human are already forming. It’s such an important time.

If the news of her pregnancy is accompanied by distress and conflict, dad may withdraw from mom. He may resent the baby’s intrusion on their relationship. He may feel he has so many additional responsibilities that he spends more and more time at work. Also, concerns about the additional responsibilities and necessary finances can make these early days of pregnancy challenging.

There are physical stresses now as well. Mom’s hormones are changing dramatically and these affect her mood, energy, and sex drive. It’s a roller coaster ride. The new changes in roles, values, and identity can cause both parents to emotionally withdraw from each other, just when they need each other the most.

We may have brought some attitudes or beliefs into our marriage that make dad fulfilling his most important roles in the family difficult or impossible. Here are some stumbling blocks:

  • One or the other parent believes that it is the woman’s role to raise the children and the man’s role to be the breadwinner. This puts more stress on mom and means dad misses the joy of a warm relationship with his child.
  • Mom may believe that she is the only one who knows how to take care of a baby. She may be afraid for dad to handle the baby and make him feel even more incompetent to be dad. Or dad may get nauseous at the thought of wiping up after baby spews from mouth or bottom. He then disqualifies himself from doing anything with the baby.

These don’t have to be fatal to the relationship. How can you overcome these stumbling blocks? Ask for help. Be willing to help. Share your dreams. Share your fears (most new parents have some.) Pray for your baby before he or she is born. Pray for each other. And appreciate each other.

Good news!  With good relationship skills before the pregnancy and practicing good conflict resolution during pregnancy and during baby’s first year, the marriage can be even stronger, and baby can have a solid family to develop in.

For now, here is one key thought: both mom and dad need to be involved in the baby’s care and development, and that starts before the baby is born. Each has specific roles to fill. Together, both parents have a wonderful, God-given potential to nurture their babies, teach them about trust and love, and model how to relate to others.

Time for Some Practice

Take time close to the time of each prenatal checkup to talk together.

  • Talk about the progress of the pregnancy
  • What are your expectations of your roles regarding baby care?
  • Talk about your fears. Discover if you are allowing past experiences or others’ tales to increase your anxiety.
  • Talk about plans for the delivery and the first weeks after birth.
  • Be sure to encourage each other and let the other encourage you!

Why Dad Needs This Course

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It took two to make the baby and it will take both working well together to raise this child.

Conception is quite a mysterious event. Dad and Mom usually don’t know that THAT lovemaking would result in a baby. Even if they were trying for some time there is no immediate physical sign that a baby has been conceived. Weeks go by until it is confirmed.

During those weeks, Dad is completely ignorant of the baby’s existence. Mom may not have any idea or she may suspect this miracle has happened inside her body.

When they learn she is pregnant, some men feel, “Job done. Now it’s all up to her.” Wow, how wrong they are! Of course, the baby is in her body, not his. So he doesn’t feel the effects of pregnancy- nausea, tenderness, mood swings, and shape changes. But his attitude and actions towards mom, make a huge difference.

The Couple and Baby Class will help both Dad and Mom to live well with each other through the ups and downs of pregnancy, make the most of delivery and immediate post-natal time, and raise a baby through childhood.

The key is growing together through this experience by building your friendship, learning to navigate conflicts, and planning and living your shared life and dreams.

We strongly encourage courting couples to take a good pre-marital class or have pre-marital counseling before the wedding. This helps to get off to the right start in your marriage. Please read articles from The Marriage You Really Want on Intermin.org to help strengthen your marriage or help with bumps in the road. If you have a serious problem you are having difficulty solving, please seek good marriage counseling to prevent it from causing the ruin of your marriage.

Once pregnant, to get the most out of The Couple and Baby Class, start the course as soon as you can. It is good to be practicing building your friendship and dealing with conflict before life gets too busy. It seems the closer you are to delivery, the busier you are. However,  it is never too late to start the course.

What is the Couple and Baby Class?

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My husband and I have been teaching marriage and family courses for more than 35 years. I have been sharing information on baby and child development since 2006. We enjoy leading couples through premarital counseling to help lay good foundations for a marriage that will last their whole lives. Couple and Baby is our way of extending that preparation into parenting.  Our goal is to see couples have marriages that thrive while raising their children and set an example for the next generation.

I will be sharing ways to help you both strengthen your relationship so you can cope constructively with the changes coming with the birth of a baby. Pregnancy and delivery are just the start of the journey into parenting. So no matter how far along that road you are, there are steps you can take to strengthen your friendship and improve the outcome of your conflicts.

Here are some of the reasons why the birth of a baby causes so much unhappiness when it should be the beginning of one of the happiest parts of your life as a couple.

  • Identities change- women are now a mother as well as daughter, wife, etc. Men are now a father as well as son, husband, etc.
  • Time must be spent differently.
  • Values change towards work, finances, free-time, etc.
  • Sex and intimacy change.
  • Communication often decreases or becomes more stressful.
  • Some fathers withdraw and some moms rely more on female relationships for support.
  • Sleep deprivation is common.
  • Exhaustion and depression add stress.

Dr. John Gottman describes the couples who succeed in these adaptations as “masters” and those who fail as “disasters.”

The goal is to help you be among the masters at integrating your baby into your family life.

The concepts I will be sharing are important throughout a couple’s relationship. The motto of the class is “small things often.” There is no one big thing that will ensure happiness. It is the small acts of kindness, small acts of understanding, and small acts of conflict regulation every day that will make a difference over time. The goal is to incorporate these skills into your daily life. That will make positive changes in your relationship. These small steps bring larger rewards over time as you continue your journey through life.

The first step to deepening your friendship is to know your spouse better by being aware of and learning their likes and dislikes, preferences, daily activities, hobbies, life dreams, and history. You will have an opportunity to practice this skill in the Open-Ended Question Exercise at the end of this first lesson.

We’ll get to much more about dealing with conflict in the lessons ahead. For now, try learning something new about your spouse often. You will be building your foundation of friendship. Everything else we’ll discuss is built on this base of friendship.

Now how does all that apply to being the best possible parents for your child?  While you’re learning about your spouse, learn something new every day about your baby by observation. How does he or she react to noise and new tastes and smiles? What is your baby’s attitude to strangers and being alone and to touch? How active is your baby and at what time of the day or night? Share these insights with your baby’s dad or mom. These will help you build a foundation for your shared relationship with your baby. We’ll also talk more about this in another lesson.

Lesson 1 Begin the Class

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Time to begin!

The course is divided into Lessons to teach a concept, give you examples, and then ways to practice what you are learning.

Each lesson includes some articles to read and sometimes a video to watch. Please plan a time to do this class together.

Together you should read, “What is The Couple and Baby Class?” Since Dad’s participation in this course is vital to your becoming Masters, both parents should read, “Why Dad Needs This Course” and “Mom and Dad During Pregnancy.”

Read the article: Romantic Relationships Take a Dive

Each lesson will include an assignment for you to do together. These assignments will help you develop skills necessary to build a strong and enjoyable marriage and become great parents to the children God has given you to raise. For some of the lessons the Gottman Card Decks will be necessary. Open “Gottman Card Decks” for directions on how to download these free card decks to your mobile device.

The assignment for this lesson is to use the “Open-Ended Questions Exercise.”

Mandarin Orange – Watercolor

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I finished my mandarin orange for 2021. This was a very challenging painting. More practice in brush techniques, rough and shiny surfaces, and light and shadow were all part of the process.

I learned many lessons, but I think the one that will stick with me the most has to do with reference photos. The reference photo for this painting made the inside of the peel look deep orange. So painting true to the reference made the orange look alien! (We’ve never seen a mandarin orange with a dark inside to the peel.) Lots of adjustments, changing the format, scrubbing with plain water, and the artist’s stubborn streak saved this orange from a hiding place far, far away from view.

Likewise, if the reference image we have for our life is faulty, we will not turn out as we were intended to be. We are made in His image and intended for His pleasure. But if we don’t see Him clearly, we won’t get to know Him well. Then He cannot help us, heal us, discipline us, and grow us into His image. He will help us fulfill His purpose for us, if we allow Him to make some adjustments, change some things, and scrub us with His water. He won’t give up on us and hide us away from view. (Oh, possibly for a while to make the major changes, but not for too long.) He wants us to be like a light on a hill that shows others the way to Him.