Lesson 2- Relationship Building

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In this second Couple and Baby lesson, we will be exploring the health and happiness of your marriage. You will see the importance of friendship as the core of a good marriage. You will get some exercise in simple ways to build the friendship in your marriage.

At one time my husband, Mike, was having some back pain. His therapist said his back was strong, but it was not flexible. Marriage is like our backs. Without the flexibility that friendship imparts to your marriage, the strains of bringing a baby into your relationship can cause real pain. When we sincerely enjoy our spouse, we are more willing to make the necessary sacrifices and find ways to please each other.

This Couple and Baby Class is an opportunity to prepare for this next step in your relationship, parenting. Growing your friendship is good at every stage of your relationship. Every marriage will benefit from affirming and appreciating your spouse. It is the flexible backbone of marriage and parenting.

Begin this lesson by using, “How Healthy is Your Marriage?” to evaluate your starting point. You may each want to do this exercise alone and then compare your results. This is not for a grade, but rather to help you see where you agree or disagree on areas of strength or weakness in your marriage. No couple gets a perfect score. All couples can see areas they want to improve.

In this lesson we concentrate on affirmation and appreciation. Begin by reading, “Affirm and Appreciate.” Then “Affirm Your Spouse” looks at the problem of hyper-criticism and some of the reasons we don’t affirm. Finally read, “The Thankful Lover.”

Now for some fun exercises

Just as you build your friendship with your spouse, you also build your relationship with your child. You begin by observing your baby in infancy and continue through early childhood. Begin by clicking the link to “Baby Expressions” and follow the link to Baby Emotions and States of Consciousness.

Read and do, “Affirmation Exercise.”
Finish by using The Gottman Card Deck, Give Appreciation.”

If you already have a child, you may like to click the link and read, “Affirm Your Child.”

Open-Ended Questions

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The first step to deepening your friendship is to know your spouse better by being aware of and learning their likes and dislikes, preferences, daily activities, hobbies, life dreams and history. You may have known each other well before your marriage and even through the first year or so after the wedding. But we all change over time. We face new challenges, try new things, and have reasons to change our opinions. But many couples quit making the effort to keep learning about their mate. You must stay curious and reconnect often in order to build the basis of your friendship.

Your challenge is to take a few minutes each day to ask each other an open-ended question and really listen to the answer. Open-ended questions are ones that cannot be answered with just “yes” or “no” or a statement of fact. These are questions that call for some thought and require more detailed responses. But they are not meant to be threatening. If a question causes too much tension, move on to a different one.

You can ask your questions over a meal, or while you are on your way somewhere together, or even in a few minutes before bed. Make an effort to learn something new about your spouse every day. You will be amazed at how this will help you to think more positively about your spouse.

Now there’s just one warning about this exercise. Do not use this as an opportunity to hurt or reprimand your mate. Do not start an argument because of what you hear. If the answer makes you uncomfortable, think about it for a while. Perhaps you need to ask some more questions to understand better. You may need to apologize for something you did or said. You may want to change the way you do something. Let your spouse know you heard what they said and are willing to talk some more or to make adjustments.

If you see your spouse withdraw when you ask your questions, think about why that might be. You may need to soften your approach and not ask your questions like an interrogator, but with a twinkle in your eye. Observe how he responds to other’s questions. Maybe he is uncomfortable talking about himself and his background. He may not have vocabulary for emotions. Try asking questions that are less emotional, yet still give you a window into what makes him tick.

You may have to adjust your timing, location, or activity for talking. Make whatever adjustments you need to make, because building your understanding and friendship are vital to the health of your marriage.

Use the Open-Ended Question card deck.

Gottman Card Deck

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In this class there will be homework assignments after each class. Some of these assignments will involve exercises for you and your spouse to do together. Gottman has designed card decks that can be used for these exercises. They are published for mobile devices and free to use. Please download the app at: iTunes and Google Play store

Having these cards on your mobile device is a convenient way for you to have these exercises readily available whenever you and your spouse have a few minutes that you can use to strengthen your friendship and marriage.

Romantic Relationships Take a Dive

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by April Eldemire  in Gottman/Blog – November 18, 2016You may read this article on line at: Gottman Blog

There’s so much to be excited about as expecting parents begin their journey to parenthood: choosing a name, decorating the nursery, and planning the baby shower. Amidst diaper brands and sippy cup choices, however, couples rarely think about safeguarding their relationship for the challenges ahead. Understandably, it’s hard to imagine that something so precious as a newborn can cause couples so much relationship distress.

Research from the Bringing Baby Home program developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman shows that almost 2/3 of couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction up to three years after having a baby. What did the 1/3 of couples that reported positive results do differently? It turns out they were able to share in the transition together. They had a strong sense of friendship, practiced healthy conflict management, and tackled the varying needs of a newborn as a team.

A family’s identity changes drastically when a new baby arrives. For the first time, mothers and/or fathers become grandparents while daughters and sons become parents. Matters of the heart are more meaningful and family values change. This shift is often so drastic that new parents feel overwhelmed, which can lead to stress.

New parents face a decline in sex and intimacy. They struggle with how to fairly divide household responsibilities and the needs of the baby. With little time for romance and connection, couples often get caught up “keeping score.”

Thoughts of who had more sleep the night before or whose turn it is to make dinner becomes an everyday battle, which leads to increased hostility and fighting. Conversations about money, parenting styles, and relationship expectations are tense and stressful.

Physical changes also occur. Sleep deprivation and physical exhaustion increases the likelihood for depression, irritability, and stress. Specifically, moms can experience hormonal changes for up to one year post-birth. It is extremely important during this time that both partners look out for signs and symptoms of postpartum mood disorders.

So how can couples shield their relationship from the dangers ahead? By creating a sense of we-ness. If new parents can feel like they’re “in the trenches together” rather than two passing ships in the night, they can share in the highs and lows of parenthood.

This is done by carving out time for each other to restore and maintain emotional intimacy. Staying updated about each other’s lives outside of the relationship keeps the friendship strong and intact.

When we’re not in sync, we tend to ask closed-ended questions that don’t foster connection. “Who’s cooking dinner tonight?” or “Did you pay the phone bill?” do nothing to maintain a sense of romance. Try using open-ended questions to stay familiar with one another. “How are you feeling about your job?” “What values do you want to instill in our child?” and “What is your ideal family vacation?” are great ones to try.

A strong friendship can be preserved during moments of exhaustion by expressing fondness and appreciation. Couples who report less distress during the transition to parenthood are able to stay positive and give each other the benefit of the doubt that they can get through the initial strain of having a newborn. “Thanks for taking the baby while I can rest,” “I really appreciate how you can soothe her like that,” “I know this is hard, but you’re a really great mom to our little boy.” These kind words go a long way.

As conflict inevitably arises, handle disagreements effectively by using constructive problem-solving techniques, especially when you’re feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Raising issues in a soft and gentle way without jumping down your partner’s throat allows you to get your point across and feel heard.

For example: If you’re feeling frustrated that you haven’t received affection lately, instead of snapping, “You never have time for me” try saying, “I loved it when we cuddled the other night. Can we do more of that this week?”

Another strategy for keeping conflict at bay is to allow your partner to feel like they have valuable stock in the relationship. Taking advice from them, expressing genuine interest in what they have to say, and seeing things from their side makes them feel like they have a voice. It makes them feel like they matter to you and you respect their input. Some examples of this might be taking initiative with housework, following suggestions they have about a new parenting book, and allowing them to take over with the baby when you need some rest.

Becoming a new parent is about the journey, not the destination. You will evolve in your own time, in your own style, and in your own way. You only have to remember a few things to keep your relationship going strong. Understand that you and your partner are not the only couple struggling to make it through those beginning few months. The drastic changes that accompany having a new baby are normal and doesn’t necessarily mean signs of a troubled marriage. Staying positive and making time for each other will put you on your way to creating a happy and healthy family.

Mom and Dad During Pregnancy

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As soon as the woman is aware she is pregnant, changes begin in the home. When, and how, does she tell her husband that he is a father? How will he react? The baby isn’t even born, yet attitudes about this new little human are already forming. It’s such an important time.

If the news of her pregnancy is accompanied by distress and conflict, dad may withdraw from mom. He may resent the baby’s intrusion on their relationship. He may feel he has so many additional responsibilities that he spends more and more time at work. Also, concerns about the additional responsibilities and necessary finances can make these early days of pregnancy challenging.

There are physical stresses now as well. Mom’s hormones are changing dramatically and these affect her mood, energy, and sex drive. It’s a roller coaster ride. The new changes in roles, values, and identity can cause both parents to emotionally withdraw from each other, just when they need each other the most.

We may have brought some attitudes or beliefs into our marriage that make dad fulfilling his most important roles in the family difficult or impossible. Here are some stumbling blocks:

  • One or the other parent believes that it is the woman’s role to raise the children and the man’s role to be the breadwinner. This puts more stress on mom and means dad misses the joy of a warm relationship with his child.
  • Mom may believe that she is the only one who knows how to take care of a baby. She may be afraid for dad to handle the baby and make him feel even more incompetent to be dad. Or dad may get nauseous at the thought of wiping up after baby spews from mouth or bottom. He then disqualifies himself from doing anything with the baby.

These don’t have to be fatal to the relationship. How can you overcome these stumbling blocks? Ask for help. Be willing to help. Share your dreams. Share your fears (most new parents have some.) Pray for your baby before he or she is born. Pray for each other. And appreciate each other.

Good news!  With good relationship skills before the pregnancy and practicing good conflict resolution during pregnancy and during baby’s first year, the marriage can be even stronger, and baby can have a solid family to develop in.

For now, here is one key thought: both mom and dad need to be involved in the baby’s care and development, and that starts before the baby is born. Each has specific roles to fill. Together, both parents have a wonderful, God-given potential to nurture their babies, teach them about trust and love, and model how to relate to others.

Time for Some Practice

Take time close to the time of each prenatal checkup to talk together.

  • Talk about the progress of the pregnancy
  • What are your expectations of your roles regarding baby care?
  • Talk about your fears. Discover if you are allowing past experiences or others’ tales to increase your anxiety.
  • Talk about plans for the delivery and the first weeks after birth.
  • Be sure to encourage each other and let the other encourage you!