The Rituals of Connection

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Read the article this exercise was taken from:  Gottman Relationship Blog by Ellie Lisitsa from December 7, 2013.

Review the list of rituals below. Take a moment to select the ones you each want to talk about – we suggest that you mostly focus on any that are currently relevant and of concern.  Then ask and answer the questions to help you consider the rituals you want for your relationship.

Types of Rituals:

  • Waking up, waking one another up
  • Breakfast
  • Lunch
  • Dinner
  • Snacks
  • Leaving one another
  • Reuniting
  • Handling finances
  • Hosting others in your home
  • Special days (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.)
  • Taking care of one another when sick
  • Renewing your spirit
  • Taking vacations or getaways
  • Traveling
  • Recreation, games, and play
  • Dates or romantic evenings
  • Attending sports events
  • Participating in sports events
  • Watching television
  • Attending movies
  • Attending concerts, plays, and other cultural events
  • Religious festivals and holidays
  • Regular religious services
  • Rituals of transition (funerals, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc.)
  • Attending another’s performance or sports event
  • Doing hobbies
  • Creating art
  • Running errands
  • Doing household chores
  • Participating in community events or politics
  • Doing charity work
  • Doing schoolwork
  • Soothing other people’s feelings
  • Apologizing or repairing feelings after an argument
  • Arriving at your job
  • Doing your job
  • Leaving your job


Questions to Ask and Answer:

  1. What was this activity like in your family or with your friends when you were growing up?
  2. Did you have rituals surrounding it?
  3. What were those rituals like?
  4. What did you enjoy about them? What did you dislike about them? What would have made them better?
  5. What is this activity like in your life today?
  6. Do you have rituals surrounding it?
  7. What are those rituals like?
  8. How satisfied are you with them?
  9. What does this ritual mean or symbolize for you?
  10. Does this ritual help you feel more connected or less connected to the important people in your life?
  11. Does this ritual foster positive or negative feelings towards others?
  12. What could be done to make this ritual a more positive experience for you? For others?

The goal of this activity is to reconnect – both with yourself and with your partner – and to share comfort and support. Take turns asking and answering questions, using this as an opportunity to learn about each other, uncover hidden dreams, discover shared meaning, and create new rituals celebrating your dreams and values.

The Positive Point of View

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The honeymoon period in our relationship allows our romantic attraction and excitement to “suspend judgement and ignore and forgive things that deserve more examination.” As the honeymoon ends, we must get down to the real work of building and maintaining love.

With the wedding over, job and living arrangement changed, then pregnancy, babies, and children; we need to be proactive to keep our marriage intact. We need a positive point of view.

Gottmans define the positive perspective as, “Believing in your relationship and giving your partner the benefit of the doubt even when things go wrong. It means to assume the best intentions and to use positive emotions (like humor, interest, affection, and empathy) to de-escalate the problem when conflict occurs.”

Some of us were born optimists. We tend to look for the best in other people. Optimists are hopeful and confident about the future. But even optimists can get discouraged when they are not getting any positive feedback and affection from the one they are married to. Others are more pessimistic and must  work even harder to believe in the relationship and not doubt their mate. So, we all need to take seriously the work of maintaining a positive perspective on our marriage.

It is important that we develop patterns that help us keep our fondness and admiration growing. Here are some things we can practice to build and maintain this positive perspective.

Say “thank you” often. My husband did not want to forget to say thank you for meals I cooked. So he’d even thank me when he had cooked the meal. I would laugh and say, “But you cooked it.” He’d respond, “I know, but I always want you to know I really appreciate you.” This little habit added lots of credit to his account with me.

Pay attention to what interests your spouse. I learned enough about football to enjoy watching good plays. My husband always looks at my crafts and notices the progress. We pay attention to what is important to each other.

Respond positively to your spouse’s cues for connection. A little time, attention, and connection goes a long way to making your spouse feel cherished.

Be empathetic and show you care. You cannot fix every challenge your spouse faces, but you can show you care and understand how they are affected by what is happening.

Share your joys. Find something pleasant about every day to share with your spouse.

Keep a healthy sense of humor. Don’t poke fun at your spouse with your humor. Don’t be crude or cruel in your humor. Find things you both genuinely enjoy laughing about and laugh often. Being able to see the funny side of things will come in handy to de-escalate tensions.

Talk every day! You cannot keep up-to-date on your spouse’s needs, stresses, and joys if you do not talk. You talked for hours at a time when you first fell in love. Make time every day to talk. You need it to de-stress and to support each other.

Keep and Update your rituals. Every family has rituals, the way they do things. Some of the rituals are helpful to building relationships, some cause pain and embarrassment. You and your spouse have rituals already. You may not have thought about them, but they are there. This is a good time to look at the rituals you experienced in your homes growing up and the rituals you have now. Talking about them can help you choose which ones you want to keep, which ones to discard, and what new rituals you want to start.

Lesson 5- Wrap up Relationship Building

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Just feeling ‘love’ is not enough for a strong, healthy marriage. Feelings change and are largely influenced by circumstances and external influences.

You have been practicing with tools and strategies for building your friendship and strengthening your relationship. Using open-ended questions gives you a window into your spouse’s background and personality. Whether through these questions or observation and conversation, be sure to learn something new about your mate every day. (Lesson 1) Affirming and appreciating your spouse also should be part of your every day conversations. (Lesson 2)

Turning towards instead of away from your spouse is probably the single best indicator of a healthy marriage. Recognizing their cues for closeness and responding often every day adds to your relationship account. Keeping it in the positive column gives your relationship the flexibility to endure the few times you turn away. (Lesson 3)

Being able to express your needs and desires and knowing that they will be respected also helps to build your friendship. We must feel safe to express our emotions, our needs, and our desires. (Lesson 4)

All of these practices go into creating a Love Map of your spouse. A Love Map is the map we create in our own head of our partner’s inner world – their dreams, hopes, fears, likes, dislikes, and everything else we can gather.
Use the Love Maps cards from your Gottman Cards app  for about 10 minutes.

lease read the article, “The Positive Point of View.” If your marriage is to endure the stresses of parenthood, you must have a positive point of view. After reading this article, take some time to do the exercise, “The Rituals of Connection.”

We need to practice habits to strengthen our connection to each other. Gottman calls these ‘rituals of connection.’ Kyle Benson has written an article that describes the daily de-stressing conversation. Read: The One Daily Talk that Will Benefit Your Marriage

Watch the video Let’s Play with Baby  You may click on the words to watch on your computer (Used with written permission from Gottman Institute.)

Now it is time for some practice with your baby or child. Read the article, “Playing Together.” Be sure to include play time as one of your Rituals of Connection. Playing together with your baby may really take more practice than any of these other exercises. Finding a way to coordinate the play so everyone is equally involved and enjoying the play may not come automatically for you. Take heart, with practice, this will become one of your favorite points of connection in the whole day.

Read: “Dads of Toddlers and Beyond.”

Expressing Needs

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Throughout your marriage your needs will change. What was only a desire becomes a strongly felt need and what was once a need no longer seems so important. Being able to express your needs clearly will help prevent bitterness from building up. Showing you can take action to see that your spouse’s needs are met is a great way to demonstrate your love. This is a good exercise to help you express your needs and to find ways to meet your spouse’s needs.

At different stages of your relationship, it would be good to revisit this exercise. Maybe you can include it around New Year or your anniversary. This is a way to express your current needs and take stock of better ways to show your love and attention to your spouse.

Now, use the Gottman Card Deck, Expressing Needs

Expressing Desires Exercise

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It may have been some time since you talked about your desires for this stage of your marriage. It may seem awkward. But give the exercise a chance. It’s worth the investment. Here we go:

Look at the statements below. Choose one and adapt it to your own situation. Take turns to express your own current desire. Be sure to state your desire as clearly as possible and be ready to say how it could be met. When it is your turn to listen, listen with a teachable heart. Don’t be ready to criticize or belittle your spouse for the desires they express. Be ready to say ways you are willing and able to meet what is expressed. Do not make this a time to argue, but to add to your relationship account!

  • I would like you to touch me even at times sex is not the response you expect.
  • I would like help with the evening meal time.
  • I would like your undivided attention for a few minutes each day.
  • I would like time to decompress for a short while when I come home.

Now that you have practiced those, why not think of some of your own?

I would like. .