Diane Constantine | Page 29 | sharing life lessons in words and art

Bonding and Brain Chemicals

Diane March 22, 2021 No Comments

Some time ago I read a book called, The Brain that Changes Itself. It introduced me to the idea that our brains are able to change and adapt. Much of that change occurs because of chemicals that act on the brain. Then, recently, I read an article that talked about the chemicals in the brain that make bonding with our baby, both possible and pleasurable. We turn from rather self-centered individuals into people who would sacrifice everything for a wrinkled, red, almost alien-looking bundle. So I’ve been doing more research. In this article, I want to share some of the major lessons I’ve learned.

The key to bonding with our baby is a mysterious process that causes us to enjoy one another. Moms and dads fall in love with their own baby and each baby falls in love with its own mom and dad. As long as we don’t interfere with the process, it will happen flawlessly and rather magically. An intricate dance begins even before birth, continues through the birth process, to feeding, cuddling, and playing with the baby. Touch and smell, sight and hearing all play a role, but the biggest role is played by some powerful chemicals rearranging our brains.

Oxytocin is the bonding hormone. It works hard in mom, dad, and baby. In mom, it causes her to become familiar with her infant’s unique odor and causes the ‘let down reflex’ that helps her begin to nurse. It works in her brain to promote her maternal behaviors. Oxytocin causes her to be more caring, eager to please others, more sensitive to other’s feelings, and to recognize non-verbal cues more readily. These characteristics make her a better mom to a baby who cannot communicate verbally. And it also has stress-reducing effects on her blood pressure and pulse.

In dad, oxytocin increases his interest in physical, rather than sexual, contact with the mother. This hormone makes dad become devoted to his family. He also gets the benefit of oxytocin surges in the mom. Just being with her when she has oxytocin surges causes her to prefer him over all other men.

In the baby, oxytocin helps the baby link the smell of his amniotic fluid to his mom’s breasts and milk. This creates a strong bond in the baby’s developing brain. Even bottle-fed babies prefer their own mom’s scent to formula in the first few weeks of life. It calms the baby. Oxytocin permanently reorganizes the baby’s brain to deal with stress and promotes characteristics of being securely attached socially. Oxytocin really is the chemical of connection.

So, you might ask, “What triggers this hormone?” Mom gets huge doses of oxytocin near the end of her pregnancy, during labor, when she attempts to breast feed her baby soon after delivery, and during breast feeding or cuddling her baby. Dad gets his surge of oxytocin during the last few weeks of pregnancy and when he has significant amounts of time touching, holding, and playing with his newborn. Baby gets huge doses of oxytocin when he/she smells mom, her breasts, her milk and with skin-to-skin contact. The whole family benefit from lots of opportunities to touch skin-to-skin, cuddle, play, caress, and look into each other’s eyes.

Oxytocin is only one of the hormones at work in this new family. Vasopressin is called the monogamy hormone. This is a male hormone that is at work in dad. When dad lives with baby and mom, vasopressin causes his brain to be reorganized toward paternal behaviors. It helps him recognize his own family and bond with his baby. It makes him want to be part of the family. He becomes more protective of them and more vigilant. Vasopressin also tempers his aggression, making him more reasonable and less extreme. Just having time touching, rocking, and cuddling baby gives him huge doses of this powerful hormone. Snoozing with his nearly naked baby on his bare chest will give them both a huge boost in bonding.

Prolactin has been called the parenting hormone. This one works on both mom’s and dad’s brains. For mom it helps her relax when she feeds her baby so she is will want to linger at feeding and be less likely to jump up and start working. In both mom and dad it decreases the sex drive. This helps them both to have more energy for their new parental attentions to baby. Just living with and feeding the baby will cause this hormone to be released and to do its work.

The Opioids are the last hormones I’m going to discuss here. These are the pleasure hormones. They decrease awareness of pain and increase feelings of elation. When these hormones are released during feeding and holding baby, they cause both baby and parents to enjoy the close contact of feeding and cuddling. The opioids reward baby with pleasant sensations when nursing, causing an increased desire for close social contact. The pleasure felt as a result of the opioids completes the work of the other brain chemicals in bonding the family together.

What this all means to us:

We are made in such a way that what normally happens around the birth of a baby causes mom, dad, and baby to be able to bond into a caring, nurturing family. As mom nears the end of pregnancy, most couples tend to keep in close contact, waiting for labor to begin. That nearness and contact begins the hormone surges. The desire of the parents to touch and hold their baby releases more hormones in all three of them. Ultimately having time and opportunity to feed, bathe, soothe, cuddle, look at, talk to, and play with baby will give all these powerful hormones the chance to rearrange their brains and bond them into a secure family.

Even babies and adoptive parents can have most of these hormonal changes, too. Lots of pleasurable touching, cuddling, and consoling will stimulate the release of these hormones in baby, adoptive mom and adoptive dad.

Some babies don’t have the opportunity to bond well with their parents. Maybe through ignorance, busyness, illness, or unwillingness, the parents don’t bond with their baby. Not every child who has been unable to bond well with his parents is doomed to life-long distress. Many children bond well with a substitute mother-figure. Maids, nannies, and extended-family members often bond quite well with babies. The baby gets the advantage of the brain hormones, as long as they bond with a caring mother-figure. The sad part is that the parents miss out on the best help they could have in fulfilling their parental roles. It is never too late to build a strong relationship with your child. If the window of opportunity for the release of these powerful hormones is missed, bonding will take lots of work and dedication.

Practically speaking, this means we need to take every advantage of feeding time to cuddle baby. Use maternity leave and confinement to enjoy your baby. Both mom and dad should be as involved as possible in the day-to-day care of baby. Linger at bath time and enjoy touching your baby all over. Enjoy play time, look in each other’s eyes, and speak ‘parentese.’

We are intricately made and finely tuned to become a family. Doing what comes naturally has proven to be exactly what is necessary to cause this process of bonding to intertwine our lives together. So be there for your baby, and be there for each other. The rewards will last the rest of your life.

Links:

A very readable article on Baby Bonding
To read summary notes from several researchers at: The Baby Bond
The results of an Israeli study of oxytocin and bonding: Biological Psychiatry

Dad and Baby

Diane March 22, 2021 No Comments

When Dad is involved with his baby from as soon after birth as possible, he will have hormones of connection released to help him as a new parent. To read more about this fascinating way we are made, please read, Bonding and Brain Chemicals.

If Dad has been around mom during the last weeks of pregnancy even in the delivery room, baby will respond to Dad’s voice in preference to the doctor’s. Babies recognize their own dad’s voice, just as they recognize their mother’s. His deep voice is soothing to the baby.

Taking care of baby’s physical needs helps baby attach to dad and he gets a better idea of what is involved in baby care 24/7/365. His help gives mom some needed time to rest and heal. Dad and mom both gain confidence in his ability to handle his baby.

Dad can carry baby around in a sling or backpack. The rhythm of his movements soothes a fussy baby.

Here are some quotes from an article by Joshua A. Kirsch in Fatherly.com- October, 2017

“Until the 1960s, experts seldom encouraged dads to take part in parent groups, to participate during labor, or to care for infants. It was generally understood that dads existed to teach their toddlers to walk and their kids to play catch, not to handle baby — or, gasp, pre-baby — stuff. But the past few decades of research suggest that the earlier a dad gets involved, the better. “

Benefits for Baby

Research shows that babies whose dads were highly involved with them from infancy have great benefits over children whose dads were aloof or absent. The ‘Father Effect’ studies show the benefits for children whose dad was very involved with them during infancy and preschool years.

Here are just a few of those benefits that are well documented. These children:

are more likely to be securely attached
have higher cognitive functioning at six months
are better problem solvers as toddlers
have higher IQs by age three
are more likely to be curious and explore their environment
are better able to handle strange situation and are more resilient
demonstrate a greater tolerance for stress and frustration
are more playful, resourceful, skillful, and attentive when presented with a problem

Benefits for Dad

He enjoys more secure attachment with their children
He is more sensitive to his infant
He is more confident and effective as a parent
He finds parenting more satisfying
He more comfortable in his occupation and does job well.
He is more likely to feel happily married then and in twenty years after the birth of his first child.

More than Just Physical Presence

“Dads who live with their kids and take time out of their days to attend important events are far more likely to have a positive impact than absent fathers. But just because you’re around doesn’t mean you can rest on your laurels and hope that sitting near your children will somehow raise their IQs or inoculate them against risky sexual behaviors. ‘The quantity of interaction doesn’t really benefit kids, but if you have more high-quality, engaged parenting that does seem to be positively related to outcomes for children,’ Carlson says. Warmth is also a key factor. Fathers who spent a lot of time with their kids but are dismissive or insulting tend to have only negative impacts.”

It is important for dad to be warm and emotionally available to his child. Based on studies looking at a father’s emotional availability in comparison to the child’s eventual academic performance, kids whose fathers were present AND emotionally available to them did better and had higher verbal test scores. Further evidence for the importance of dads staying involved can be found in research showing that a father’s level of care-giving during an infant’s fist year predicts the infant’s IQ test scores. A father’s skills as a playmate at games like Peek-a-boo, ball toss, and bouncing, predict having more intellectually advanced children.

Be an involved dad and really influence your children. It is your most valuable contribution to your children’s well-being!

Turning Towards

Diane March 22, 2021 No Comments

Zach Brittle, LMHC on the Gottman Intstitute Blog – April 1, 2015

To read on line: https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

Let’s say your eccentric uncle Kevin gives you $10,000 on your wedding day. The only catch is that you have to invest it for six years with one of two firms that Kevin suggests. Firm A is well respected on Wall Street for both its ethics and its returns, and most clients are very happy even with sometimes modest gains. Firm B guarantees they’ll squander your money and blame you for it. Which one would you choose?

Or let’s say that on your wedding day, you get a diagnosis of a rare blood disease that usually kills its victims within six years. Your wacky aunt Cathy had that same disease and she knows of the only two doctors in the world that work with it. One doctor is actively doing research, testing new treatments, and curing patients with great success. The other is a drunk. Which doctor would you choose?

Or let’s say that on your wedding day, the universe starts a giant egg timer set for six years. When the egg timer goes off, you’ll either be divorced or you won’t. You’ve heard the rumor that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but Kevin and Cathy know some tips that can increase your odds of making it. More importantly, they know of a single strategy that would virtually guarantee that you would divorce before the timer went off. Would you want to know it?

Of course you would. You would invest with Firm A. You would choose the sober doctor. And you will do whatever it takes to ensure that you protected yourself from divorce. As it turns out, your aunt and uncle are onto something: there really is a secret.

As part of his research, Dr. Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together. Many had divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing – the third level of the Sound Relationship House, Turn Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. The secret is turning towards.

I think this is a pretty incredible piece of data. It suggests that there is something you can do today that will dramatically change the course of your relationship. More importantly, it suggests that there is something that you can not do that will lead to its demise. So, how do you turn towards instead of away? In order to understand turning, you have to first understand bids.

A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids.

Bids can get tricky, however, and admittedly I sometimes miss more bids than I don’t. Indeed many men struggle in this regard, so it’s important to pay attention. Bids usually have a secondary layer – the true meaning behind the words. Call it the the difference between text and subtext. A few examples to get your brain going:

Text     Subtext
How do I look?    Can I have your attention?
Let’s put the kids to bed.    Can I have your help?
I talked to my sister today. Will you chat with me?
Did I tell you the one about…?    Will you enjoy me?
Want to cuddle?        Can I have your affection?
Want to play Cribbage? Will you play with me?
I had a terrible lunch meeting today. Will you help me de-stress?

To “miss” a bid is to “turn away.” Turning away can be devastating. It’s even more devastating than “turning against” or rejecting the bid. Rejecting a bid at least provides the opportunity for continued engagement and repair. Missing the bid results in diminished bids, or worse, making bids for attention, enjoyment, and affection somewhere else.

It is important that you learn to recognize bids and that you commit to making them to one another. Make the word “bids” part of your conversation and perhaps name your bids toward one another. It’s okay to say, “I’m making a bid for attention now” as you get to know each other in this early phase of your relationship. You can also practice discerning subtext together. Pick a show that is new to you both and watch it on mute. See if you can interpret the bids that the characters are making based only on non-verbals. Once you start to get intentional about your bids, you can concentrate on “turning towards.”

Turning towards starts with paying attention. Your work on bids will come in handy here. Simply recognizing that a bid has been made opens the door to response. If you’ve really been paying attention, you’ll respond to both the text and the subtext. As bids get more complicated, so will the nature of turning toward. For now, start simple. Take an inventory of the bids and turning in your relationship and share your responses with one another.

What do I know about how I make bids?
Could or should I get better at making bids? How?
How good am I at recognizing the difference between text and subtext?
What keeps me from making bids?
What is my impulse for turning? Do I turn away or against more often than I turn towards?
When it comes to turning towards, am I closer to 33% or 86%?
What does it feel like when my partner doesn’t turn towards me?
How can I get better at turning towards?

As you continue moving through life together, you will undoubtedly have to risk heading into more vulnerable territory. This will be easier if you’ve committed to building a solid friendship based on Building Love Maps, Sharing Fondness and Admiration, and Turning Towards Instead of Away. Your eccentric uncle Kevin and wacky aunt Cathy would be proud.

Relationship Disconnects

Diane March 22, 2021 No Comments

Here we’ll look at some of the things that interfere with making positive deposits into your relationship.

Reasons for Disconnects:

The approach is not clear. This may happen if the one making the approach is not sure how the other will respond. Perhaps there have been some irritable responses during the day. They may waver about how to approach. Is this a good time to wink or pat? Or perhaps it would be better to write a note first or would it be better to give a big hug and kiss? When this kind of indecision is boiling up inside, the approach may seem half-hearted or overly perky. The response then may be tepid or hostile. When this happens, disappointment and a withdrawal from the relationship account is almost certain.

The need is not clear. Another reason the approach is not met with a positive connection is that the one reaching out does not know how to state their need clearly enough to get the response they desire. When this happens their spouse may be confused and not respond well. The confusion and unfulfilled needs lead to more and more missed cues. Sex is one area where words may just seem too awkward.

When this happens enough they may decide it is not worth taking the chance of being rejected or humiliated. They will just avoid expressing their needs. That is never good because your spouse is the only one who should be meeting those needs. If they are not being met, the risk increases of reaching out to someone else. This couple may need to work out some code words or actions to signal desires they find too difficult to put in words.

The receiver wasn’t ready. There are many other reasons an approach nets an inadequate response and connection. Perhaps the receiver is pre-occupied and doesn’t even know an approach has been made. Or maybe they are just too tired to be aware of their mate’s attempts at connection. Before assuming our spouse has rejected us, we should take a quick inventory. Did they not see or hear us? Were they pre-occupied? What else was going on around them? Why not ask a gentle question or offer a drink, some food, time for a bath or nap? Showing a little kindness will often bridge the gap and open their heart to connection.

Sarcasm. This is the worst approach. This happens when the one with a need does not ask for what is needed, but instead gets angry and sarcastic with the other for not “knowing” what is needed. This usually doesn’t happen until an approach has been ignored or rebuffed a number of times. The level of hostility and contempt increases over time. The only way for the receiver to de-escalate the tension is to pay attention to the emotions expressed and not turn away. They must find the real need in the negative statement. They may ask, “What do you need?”

We know it is important to connect often and positively. It is also important to know what to do if we realize we are slipping into bad habits that deplete our relationship account?

Connect Often Every Day

Make every connection as positive as possible. Don’t let a little touch or message or kiss go unanswered. Stop a moment and enjoy the connection.
If you sense in yourself irritation at the other’s approach, address the reason for the irritation. Are you too busy? Is there another way they could approach you that you would appreciate more? Are you angry with someone or something else? Set aside a time to talk to your spouse and clear the air.
If your spouse doesn’t seem to understand what you need, you must talk about it and find better ways to communicate your needs. Try some signals if words seem awkward at times.
Notice how your spouse approaches you and how they turn toward you. Try similar ways to approach and respond. Over time your spouse can learn new ways, but concentrate on the positives not the missed cues or responses.
Concentrate on small positive exchanges, don’t rely on big fancy gifts, dates, or trips to make up for arguments or an atmosphere of hostility.
Make the consistent message to each other show love, respect, and interest in one another’s lives.
Make mealtimes pleasant times. Don’t make dinner an opportunity to air your frustrations. Of course, this may happen occasionally, but don’t make it a habit.
Develop some family rituals for leaving and arriving home, meals, and bedtime. Make these opportunities to let each other know how much they mean to you and why you love them. You may think these would look silly to someone else, but don’t be inhibited. You know these are positive deposits in your relationship account.
If you or your spouse are tempted to sarcasm, recognize this is a very serious sign that your relationship is in danger. Seek help to repair the damage and begin to rebuild your relationship before it’s too late.

Gottman says, “If you don’t feel like you have a high positive to negative ratio in your relationship now, start working to increase the ratio. As long as you have some spark of affection or admiration left for each other, it isn’t too late to change your patterns and save your relationship.”

The Relationship Account

Diane March 22, 2021 No Comments

Developing and maintaining the satisfaction and happiness of our marriage is like putting money in the bank. When we make deposits in our relationship account, we build a positive balance. When we make too many withdrawals from our relationship account we soon have a deficit. All couples are happier when our relationship accounts are in the black, not in the red. But red numbers have their purpose too. They warn us to make some deposits or risk bankruptcy!

How do we make deposits in our relationship?

We have many opportunities every day to make deposits in our relationship account. Whenever we turn towards our spouse, responding positively, we add to our account. Most of our deposits are small, but like cents, they can mount up over time.

Let’s look at some ways we can reach out for connection and ways we may respond. But first, some definitions. In the table below, approaches are the ways we try to create a moment of connection with our spouse. Responses are the different ways we show that we want to connect too.

Approaches	Responses
A glance, a wink, a nod	A smile, a wave, a flying kiss
A message	A smiley face or short answer
Calling their name	“What?” spoken pleasantly
A pat, a kiss, a hug	A reciprocal physical sign of affection
Ask for help by word or action	Offer to help
Express a need or desire	Recognition and plan for fulfilling
Offering to help or do a chore	Gratefully accepting

These were all positive responses to different kinds of approaches. Practiced consistently, they will all add to the happiness of your relationship. In other words, you get a richer marriage through investment.

How do we make withdrawals in our relationship?

We also have many opportunities to withdraw from the relationship account. Our negative response may be to turn away from our mate or to turn against them. Turning away will subtract a small amount, but turning against subtracts much more. Note that all of the reactions in the table below are negatives. The difference is the degree of irritation or outright hostility they express. Those on the left (turning away) are irritating. Those on the right are much more damaging.

Turning Away	Turning Against
Not responding to our name being called	Snarling, “What!”
Ignoring comments- too distracted to hear	Answering with a complaint or criticism
Forgetting appointments with spouse	Not making appointments with spouse
Getting discouraged	Picking fights

Whenever we turn away from, or turn against our spouse, we hurt our relationship. It is not possible to make deposits in your relationship account if you don’t choose to turn towards your spouse when they send a cue for connection. When we notice too many withdrawals, we must move quickly to deposit time, attention, and action into our relationship. Gottmans estimate from their research that it takes five positive connections to neutralize one negative response. This is why we really must keep adding to our account and limiting our withdrawals.