Accepting Influence

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Accepting influence is one of the most important ingredients for a healthy, happy marriage. Accepting our spouse’s influence is most important in conflict, yet it is the hardest time to do it. So, deciding ahead of time that you will accept influence is a great way to gain more respect, power, and influence in your marriage. It is the way to win. Both of you win. If only one wins in arguments, both really lose.

Gottman’s research shows that men, more frequently than women, have difficulty accepting influence from their wives. All their training and culture tune men to take a decisive lead and make decisions. BUT, statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his wife, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct. The husband may think he has won the argument, but he has lost the war. His wife will either become weak and unwilling to participate in any decision making or she will sabotage his plans and become passive-aggressive.

Though men may statistically be more prone to unwillingness to accept influence, I’ve met my share of women who will not accept their husband’s influence. They destroy their marriages too.

The happiest, most stable marriages are those where neither one resists power-sharing and decision-making.

Unwillingness to accept influence, share power, and share decision-making is most easily seen when criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling are part of most arguments. These behaviors will poison the marriage and are great predictors of marriage failure.

Kyle Benson, writing for The Gottman Institute, describes a few different ways to help see the other person’s point of view. If we cannot see the problem from their perspective, it is nearly impossible to accept their influence in finding a solution.

Kyle starts with the assumption that every situation can yield two different yet valid perspectives that deserve equal weight. When my perspective seems so correct, how can I accept influence from my husband when his perspective is so different?!

Here are the three ways Mr. Benson describes to help us see another point of view.

The Conflict is the Space Between

Picture you and your spouse on two separate islands with murky water between. If you are going to see from your mate’s perspective, you would have to travel to your partner’s island to see as they see. Look at the problem as the murky water between your islands and focus on clearing that up. After the water’s cleaner, both of you can dive below the surface and discover what is actually going on.

Accusations, assumptions, or criticisms muddy the water and make the real problem and solution impossible to find. Stop these negative attitudes and words and be willing to listen, really listen, to your spouse. Then you can dip deep and discover the real issue.

Finding the Elephant in the Room

Perhaps you’ve seen the illustration of six blind men touching an elephant and declaring what is in the room. They say it is a pillar (leg), a rope (tail), a thick branch (trunk), a huge fan (ear), a wall (belly) and a solid pipe (tusk).

In practically every fight there is an invisible elephant in the room. The truth about the elephant lies somewhere between these perspectives. In other words, acknowledge that your mate’s perspective is just as valid as yours. You don’t have to agree, but in order to work through the problem you need to show respect for their opinion.

Check Your Jersey

Often in conflict we feel like we are on different teams. Imagine that underneath your different team jerseys, you are both wearing another jersey that is the same color. In trying to solve your disagreement, remember to check your jersey and remember you are really both on the same team.

Over the lifetime of your marriage, there will be many tests. Often you will have to accept your spouse’s influence if you are going to have a successful marriage. In five, ten, or fifty years you will look very different from now. You will have changed the way you think, how you act, and what is important to you. It happens through tests.

In our marriage vows we promise to love each other for better or worse, in sickness and health, poverty and wealth, forsaking all others. Our marriage will be tested by these big things and thousands of little things. Being able to recognize our spouse’s point of view, respect their feelings and thoughts, and then look beyond the immediate crisis to the underlying realities will make the difference between a growing and healthy marriage or a shell that we may choose to shed as useless.

So the next time an argument starts, you may want to do what one husband did. He began to act like a mime feeling the air. The wife looked at him with a ‘What is wrong with you?’ kind of look and he responded, “I’m trying to find the elephant in the room. Can you tell me what you’re seeing so we can figure out what this elephant is together?”

If you would like to read all of Kyle Benson’s article, see: There are Two Views to Every Conflict and Both are Valid.

See: Can You Accept Influence? for a quick quiz that you can score yourself  about accepting influence.

Lesson 6- Managing Conflicts

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In this unit, we will take a look at the inevitable conflicts in marriage and the increased conflicts that parenting brings. You will have an opportunity to practice some ways to manage these conflicts better. It’s not how often you fight, but the way that you fight that will make the difference in your relationship.

In this lesson we lay some foundations necessary for better conflict management. Gottman has identified four destructive communication styles. They will definitely harm your relationship and could, if not changed, end in a broken marriage. Gottman calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Begin this unit by watching this video. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Do you see any of these styles in your relationship? No change will happen in your communication unless you recognize how these styles hurt your relationship and begin making necessary changes.

A basic understanding is necessary in order for both parties to be willing to work through conflicts. We must believe that our spouse is willing to be influenced. Otherwise we may sabotage any effort our spouse makes to bring about changes in our relationship. We may, on the other hand, not discuss some problems because we fear the reaction our spouse will have to any complaint. In this case, the problems build up to a huge explosion.

Read: Accepting Influence.

When we accept influence, we are turning towards our spouse and not away from them. We are willing to listen to what they have to say instead of interrupting or cutting in with negative comments. Accepting influence is also about moving from a position of “me” to “we.” When we do, we can both feel better and see improvement.

Not all arguments have the same degree of seriousness. They all feel pretty horrible at the time, but looking back, we can often say one was worse than another or one was just so petty. Problems that are less serious and can be resolved with some mutually agreed on adjustments are called solvable problems. Ones that seem to resurface with seemingly no way to compromise are called perpetual problems.

Watch The 7 Principles that Make a Marriage Work– This video will take about 7 minutes to watch. Pay special attention to principle 5, Solve Your Solvable Problems.

Read: Solvable and Perpetual Problems

Use the Gottman Card Deck called “Great Listening”. Getting better at listening and talking about many different topics will help you build some basic understandings that will make dealing with conflicts easier.

In the next lesson we will cover some strategies for dealing with conflicts. These can be put into practice right away with some solvable problems you may have currently.

The last lesson in this unit will deal with perpetual problems and a practical way to come to compromise

Dads of Toddlers and Beyond

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It’s always good to take a fresh look at why we are doing what we are doing and consider changes. Remember that the best influence we have on those around us is “small things often.” Taking the family on a holiday trip once a year is good, but it will not make up for only spending time with your kids once a week and never eating dinner together.

Everything dad does with his children provides opportunities to connect and to learn and to influence.

What can dad can do with his kids often?

  • Take your child with you when you run errands. Talk about what you are doing so they learn more about what it means to be a husband, father, and friend. Listen to your kids. Don’t just hear them, but listen to what they say and what they don’t say. You will get a window to their worldview.
  • Take your child to his/her school, tuition, and extracurricular activities. Seeing what is involved in their daily activities helps you understand more of their reality.
  • Read books and tell stories to your children. They love to hear your voice, cuddle with you, and soak up tales of others’ successes and failures and how they handled them.
  • Help with the daily routines of bathing, dressing, getting ready for bed. (Make this a fun time, but don’t get them too wound up so they can’t sleep. This isn’t rough house time, it is calming down time.)
  • Monitor behavior. Discipline with loving and clear boundaries and expectations. They will have better emotional, academic, and social behavior.

As a father, you can have the greatest impact on your child’s emotional and social development by a parenting style that focuses on the child’s emotional awareness and regulation as a way of managing behavior. When a parent listens to their children’s feelings, sees the sharing of feelings as an opportunity for connection or teaching, and validates their children’s emotions, they have the greatest impact on their child’s future development.

For example, the 11 year old son went out to ride the scooter. His 9 year old sister followed him. After her turn on the scooter, he began complaining that it was not “fair” that she took a turn. When he kept complaining, his sister decided to do something else. Dad noticed she came in quickly and asked why. She said, “Big brother was whining that her taking a turn wasn’t fair.” So when he came in, Dad listened to his side of the story. Then he used it as a teaching moment. “Son, whether it was fair or not, if you insist on your way and whine and complain, no one will want to play with you. What could you have done instead?” This dad let the events of the day unfold and used them to teach a valuable lesson to his son.

So, make a decision to make every minute you spend with your children count. Spend as much time as possible. When you cannot be physically present, find ways to connect with your child with phone calls, Skype or FaceTime. Really listen and respond to your child’s emotional, as well as, physical needs. Don’t make time with your kids just another item on your to-do list, but connect often. Enjoy being a Dad!

Playing Together

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Parents who are adjusting well to parenting spend time together with their baby. They don’t just each play with baby, but at least sometime each day they play together. They are coordinated in their play, not critical or competitive.

How do you play with your baby together?

Mom, dad, and baby need to have time together every day to play. Find a time when baby is awake and comfortable and mom and dad can be fully present.

Both parents should be equally included in the game they are playing with baby. Neither should withdraw from the game and neither should take over or prevent the other from playing. It is meant to be a fun time for all. One parent may start the game, but invites the other parent and makes room in the game for him or her.

Both parents need to be paying equal attention to the game and to baby. Put your phones and work away and turn off the TV. When baby tires of one game, start another. It can be as simple as smiling and making some nonsense sounds. As baby matures, the games can become songs with motions. Whatever you enjoy doing together can be the game.

Babies as young as three months are able to understand the game includes both parents. When the play is not coordinated, parents become competitive and dissatisfied with the game. The baby becomes confused and over stimulated.

Both parents should be equally emotionally involved in the game. Watch baby’s reaction and show a similar emotional reaction to the play. This means if the game fails, both parents are equally empathetic with the baby. If baby gets over-stimulated, both parents stop the play and allow baby to recover. Play is only restarted when baby looks at the parents with interest in play again. If you need a refresher on over-stimulation, see Turning Towards Our Child.

Supporting one another in co-parenting

We need to be supportive of one another. Some days it will be harder to find the time to play together. Some days we just feel grumpy and out of sorts. It is days like this that we need to encourage each other to take the time to play. We’ll all feel better for the effort.

We need to continue to appreciate the efforts each one is putting into the whole parenting role. Be thankful for anything your spouse does to include you and baby together.

Moms and dads make mistakes with baby. They may overstimulate or miss cues for help. We need to allow our mates to make mistakes. Don’t ridicule or scold, instead help them recover. This will be a lifelong process, so it’s good to start early. We all make parenting mistakes. Our children will survive, especially if we are parenting as a team.

Together celebrate the successes with baby. Each tiny step brings so much joy especially when we are experiencing these times together. Even when your spouse wasn’t there when baby did some new, amazing thing, be sure to share and wait for the time it is repeated for your spouse to see too.

As your baby grows to a boy or girl, keep parenting together. Find ways to interact together every day. Make dinner time a time to see into your child’s heart. Don’t use it for correcting or scolding. Include your child in as many of your activities as possible. Tell them how much you love them. You only have a few short years to lay the foundation for their successful life. Don’t waste it.

Time for Some Practice

Plan and set aside some time each day to play with your baby or child together.

One parent begins a game. This can be anything your baby or child likes to do with you. Parents take turns playing with your baby or child while the other looks on. When your baby or child is no longer interested in that activity, the other parent should initiate a different game or activity. With older children, one may read a book and then the other lead the family in singing some favorite songs. But do it all together.

Pay close attention to your baby or child’s reactions. Is he smiling and interested? Has she turned away or begun to push away from the activity? Try to predict how long they are interested. End play while everyone is still smiling and feeling content.

If your baby or child has gotten over stimulated, see if you can identify at what point they lost interest or showed they didn’t like the play. How did you both respond? How did your baby or child self soothe? Were you able to play any more after soothing or did you need to begin the bedtime routine or other activity?

Take a few minutes to talk about the play time. This will help you plan future times to enjoy together as a family.

The One Daily Talk

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Kyle Benson  for The Gottman.com Blog 0n  November 30, 2016

To read on line see: The One Daily Talk that Will Benefit Your Marriage

When Steven gets home from work, his wife Katie asks him, “How was your day, dear?” Their conversation goes like this.

Steven: At my weekly meeting my manager challenged my knowledge of our products and told the CEO that I am incompetent. She’s such a jerk.

Katie: There you go again. Overacting and blaming your manager. When I met her she seemed very logical and reasonable. You’re probably being insensitive to her worries about your department. (siding with the enemy)

Steven: The woman has it out for me.

Katie: And there’s your paranoia. You really need to get a handle on that. (criticism)

Steven: Forget I ever said anything.

Do you think Steven feels love by his wife in this moment?

Probably not.

Instead of providing a safe haven for him to be heard, she adds to his stress.

Learning to cope with external pressures and tensions outside your relationship is crucial to a marriage’s long-term health, according to research by Neil Jacobson.

A simple, effective way for couples to earn deposits in their emotional bank account is to reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went. We call this the “How was your day, dear?” conversation, or more formally, the Stress-Reducing Conversation.

Like Steven and Katie, many couples have the “How was your day, dear?” conversation but the talk does not help either partner relax. Instead it escalates the stress and tension between them because they end up not feeling heard.

If this sounds like you and your partner, changing your approach to these end-of-the-day talks can ensure that they help both of you unwind.

The 4 Agreements of Love

Before you start your end-of-the-day discussion, I’d recommend making some agreements. Agreements are what I use with my clients to bring their unspoken expectations into view.

Agreement #1: Agree on Timing
Some individuals want to connect the moment they walk into the door. Others need to decompress on their own before they’re ready to interact. When this expectation goes unspoken it can create tension and leave both partners feeling missed by each other. Agree on a time that will meet both of your needs. This can be at 7 pm every night or it can be 10 minutes after both of you get home.

Agreement #2: Dedicate Your Presence for 20-30 Minutes
Some couples struggle because they don’t spend enough time in the presence of each other to allow love to be cultivated. Take time to truly connect during this conversation.

Agreement #3: Don’t Discuss Your Marriage
This talk gives you and your partner the space to discuss about whatever is on your mind outside your marriage. It is not the time to bring up conflicts between you. Instead, it’s a chance to truly support each other in other areas of your life.

This conversation is a form of active listening in which you respond to each other’s venting with empathy and without judgement. Since the issues have nothing to do with the marriage, it’s much easier to express support and understanding of your partner’s worries and stresses.

Agreement #4: All Emotions are Welcome
This conversation is an opportunity to unload about irritants or issues, both big and small. If your partner shares sadness, fear, or anger and it feels uncomfortable, it may be time to explore why. Often this discomfort is rooted in childhood restrictions against expressing negative emotions. If this is the case, check out “Coping with Your Partner’s Sadness, Fear, and Anger” on page 103 in The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work.

Allow this space to be a place of celebration too. If you have a victory at work or as a parent, mention that. Beyond sharing frustrations, a relationship is about sharing and relishing in the victories of life together. That’s what makes it meaningful.

7 Steps to an Effective End-of-Day Conversation

Below are detailed instructions for using active listening during the stress-reducing and intimacy building conversation.

  1. Take turns. Let each partner be the complainer for fifteen minutes.
  2. Show Compassion.It’s very easy to let your mind wander, but losing yourself will make your partner feel like you’ve lost touch with them. Stay focused on them. Ask questions to understand. Make eye contact.
  3. Don’t provide unsolicited solutions.It’s natural to want to fix problems or make our lover feel better when they express pain. Often partners just want an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Unless your partner has asked for help, don’t try to fix the problem, change how they feel, or rescue them. Just be present with them.

Men get caught up in this trap more frequently than women, but it is not the man’s responsibility to rescue his partner. Often trying to “save her” backfires. In the Love Lab, Dr. John Gottman noticed that when a wife shares her troubles, she reacts negatively to her husband offering advice right away. What she wants is to be heard and understood.

It’s not that problem-solving doesn’t have it’s place. It is important, but as psychologist Haim Ginott says, “Understanding must precede advice.” It’s only when your partner feels fully understood that they will be receptive to suggestions.

  1. Express your understanding and validate emotions. Let your spouse know that you understand what they are saying. Here’s a list of phrases I have my clients use.
  • “Hearing that makes perfect sense why you’re upset.”
  • “That sounds terrible.”
  • “I totally agree with how you see it.”
  • “I’d be stressed too.”
  • “That would have hurt my feelings too.”
  1. Take your partner’s side.Express support of your partner’s view even if you feel their perspective is unreasonable. If you back the opposition, your spouse will be resentful. When your partner reaches out for emotional support (rather than advice), your role is not to cast judgement or to tell them what to do. It’s your job to express empathy.
  2. Adopt a “We against others” attitude.If your partner is feeling alone while facing difficulty, express that you are there with them and you two are in this together.
  3. Be Affectionate.Touch is one of the most expressive ways we can love our partners. As your partner talks, hold them or put an arm on their shoulder. Hold that space for them and love them through thick and thin.

Here is how the conversation changed after these instructions were given to Steven and Katie.

Katie: How was your day, dear?

Steven: At my weekly meeting my manager challenged my knowledge of our products and told the CEO that I am incompetent. She’s such a jerk.

Katie: What a jerk! She is so rude. (us against others) What did you say to her? (expressing genuine interest)

Steven: I told her I feel like she is out to get me and it’s not fair. I am the number one salesman on the floor.

Katie: I completely understand why you feel like that. I’m sorry she’s doing this to you.(expressing affection) She needs to get taken care of. (us against others)

Steven: I agree, but I think she’s doing it to herself. The CEO doesn’t appreciate her telling him everyone is incompetent but her. It’s probably best to leave it alone.

Katie: I’m glad he’s is aware of that. It’s not good and will backfire sooner or later.

Steven: I hope so. I feel like pizza, cuddles, and a movie tonight. You in?

Katie: Of course, love.

If you have this conversation every day, it can’t help but benefit your marriage. You’ll come away with the feeling that your partner is on your side, and that’s one of the foundations of a long-lasting friendship.