From Mike Constantine- Expectations and Limitations

Carl was the nicest, most caring man when he courted Emily. But right after marriage he changed. He made demands, got angry when Emily could not meet them, never consulted her before making decisions, and repeatedly changed his mind about what he wanted. With a rigid, demanding husband, Emily soon felt disconnected. There was no relationship, only a bossy man and a hurting wife.

Sabrina is a sweet , charming, warm, desirable young woman. Caleb, her husband, had no trouble at all falling in love with her. But, hidden deep in her soul, Sabrina has a whole gang of insecurities. They make her expectations so unreasonable  that she is difficult to live with. Caleb tries his best, but seldom feels he is doing it right.

Like Carl and Sabrina, inflexible people have to have everything their way.  Therefore, building relationships is difficult. To them, compliance, and only compliance, is the price of peace. Or, as we say in America, “It’s my way, or the highway!”

How Inflexibility Develops

Inflexibility has a combination of contributing causes, but usually there are two that stand out: self-centeredness and fear. Here’s an example:

Janet worries because Frank seldom talks to her. She tries to discuss it with him, but he doesn’t see things the same way. He thinks he says all the necessary words, so what’s the problem? This couple needs an honest discussion of their expectations and limitations.

Let’s define some terms. Expectations are the attitudes and actions that we feel entitled to receive within a relationship. They grow out of our upbringing, but also from the ideas we have developed through reading, observing, and dreaming. Some even come from our personalities.

Limitations are the barriers within us that keep us from meeting expectations. Many are temporary. We outgrow them or overcome them in time. Some, however, do not change. For example, no matter what she does my wife will find it hard to walk as fast as I do. She doesn’t have the length of stride I do. If I expect that of her, she will always experience frustration and I will feel disappointed. So we have learned to walk together. I shorten my stride, she quickens her pace a bit, and we have many great walks.

Walking together is a metaphor for life. A wise man of old put it this way: “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3) In our shared marital life we will continually need to adjust our expectations and, as much as possible, overcome our limitations. When we do, we find the agreement that keeps us in step.

Understanding Expectations

Let’s consider some of our expectations and see if we can understand them.

An expectation may be unrealistic. One stern man complains, “I have to deal with difficult people all day long. I never want to come home to a grouchy wife. I want a smile, not a snarl.” One question: Do you come home with a smile? If your wife expected the same of you, could you live up to it? Unrealistic expectations often create frustration.

We counseled a couple in Malaysia who were experiencing tremendous tension because the husband had unrealistic expectations about his wife’s cooking. He wanted every meal to be carefully planned and arranged or he just . . . could . . . not . . . be . . . happy. She tried her best to please him, but nothing she did was as good as good old Mom! Worst of all, he could not see that his expectation was unrealistic, or at least would not admit it. So no matter what else they had for dinner, they definitely had tension.

An expectation may be reasonable, but still difficult for the person you have married. There’s nothing wrong with a husband wanting to invite a few friends for dinner. That’s reasonable. But his wife may feel extremely insecure as a hostess. That makes it difficult for her to feel very happy about having guests in their home. The solution? She accepts the challenge. He shows he understands her struggles by giving her plenty of advanced notification and offering to help in whatever way he can. She accepts his offer of help and doesn’t act like a martyr. He remembers to thank her and encourage her for her help. As a result, they grow closer together. The wife knows her husband understands, and the husband knows that his wife really wants to please him. Because the dinner went well, her confidence increases. Those are great results.

An expectation may be reasonable, usually, but impossible presently. We can avoid many disappointments by explaining unusual pressures and accepting the limitations that come with them. Abigail likes Joe to reply to her messages as quickly as possible. Joe knows that and usually does it.  But Joe’s company is churning through their yearly audit. He may want to reply quickly, but he can’t. Abby can help by adjusting her expectations. That shows that she understands and does not want to become another nagging problem in her husband’s life.

Suppose a wife wants a more romantic husband (flowers, cards, special dinners, etc.). But the husband does not think of himself as the romantic type. To him, romance is phony. How do they find a solution? By adjusting and stretching. The husband tries a little romance, just because it makes his wife feel so special. That’s stretching. The wife remembers that her husband loves her more than anyone on the earth, even though he finds difficulty showing it in some ways. That’s adjusting her expectations.

Several years ago a woman came to us for counseling. Her husband was a difficult man, and unwilling to change. She had many complaints, and with good reason. But after listening to her for some time, I interrupted the stream of complaints to ask this question:

“Have you ever asked God to let you see your husband as He sees him?

As the force of that question reached her heart, she became quiet and thoughtful. She realized, I think, that all of her complaining wasn’t really going to change anything. Just the opposite, for nagging never changes anyone for the better.

When we see as God sees, we can pray for God’s healing and restoring power to work deep down inside, in the places in each other that we can’t seem to reach. Then, with Gods help, we will develop more realistic expectations, overcome our limitations, and walk together in intimacy.

Discuss:

“Both my husband and I work full-time jobs. I come home before he does, picking up my children at the babysitter on the way. When my husband comes home he will not do anything to help with the children. I expect him to help! After all, he’s the father. He expects to just sit down and do nothing while I rush around preparing dinner and trying to pay attention to the children. This is really making me angry!”

1. Keeping in mind expectations and limitations, what would help this couple?

“My wife thinks that she must tell me every detail about her day. That wouldn’t be so bad except that she expects me to do the same about my day. When I won’t tell her enough, she gets moody for the rest of the evening.”

2. What expectations do this husband and wife have?
3. What limitations do you think they each might have?
4. What could they each do to adjust their expectations and stretch their limitations?
5. All of us have expectations and limitations. Can you see some places in your marriage where your expectations and limitations clash? Try talking about those today.
6. Ask God to show you your spouse through his eyes. Write down at least one fresh insight you have about your husband or wife this week. Pray positively for your spouse every day.

from Mike Constantine at Intermin.org

Walter, a psychologist, makes his living by helping hurting people. Although Walter cares about the people who come to him, he has learned to care without becoming emotionally involved. It’s the only way he can survive the constant stream of critical problems that he faces every day. If he didn’t practice a little detachment, he would burn out faster than a cheap candle.

Walter has a wonderful wife, Sharon. Sharon wants Walter (the man who makes his living by listening, understanding, and communicating) to pay some attention to her. But she needs his attention as a husband, not as a professional listener. When Sharon has an emotional need, Walter responds calmly and logically, just like he does with his clients. That drives Sharon crazy. She thinks that Walter, the professional counselor, can understand just about anyone but her. She doesn’t resent the people he helps. She just wishes Walter would give her more of himself than what he gives his clients.

Earth to Walter, Come In Walter!

Walter and Sharon are struggling with a common problem. Let’s call it disconnection. Drained by hours of listening to troubled people, Walter finds ways to avoid Sharon, or at least maintain some emotional distance. Frustrated by her husband’s cool, logical response, Sharon feels like giving up.

A couple’s conversations can degenerate into shoptalk: necessary words, but no more personal connection than you would feel with a someone you met at the supermarket, and maybe even less. Like the old cliche says, “Familiarity breeds contempt.”

Even good marriages can have some connection problems. Take, for example, this lady’s comments: “My husband is a delightful guy, a kind man, and a wonderful lover, but something is missing. I am so lonesome I could cry.” For some reason she didn’t understand, she and her husband were not connecting.

Connection has two parts: expression and understanding. Both are vital. Just as the human body requires both veins and arteries for healthy circulation, relationships need both expression and understanding. Block either one and you threaten the heart of the marriage.

Strong Connection Repair Kit

If you feel disconnected from each other, here are some tools and techniques to help you express yourselves and understand each other.

Ask more questions. Make no false assumptions

Good questions invite sincere responses. Assumptions make you look proud and insensitive.

Ask questions to understand, not to interrogate

A man we know bombards his wife with questions, like a police officer questioning a felon, or an attorney cross-examining a hostile witness. For this man, questions are weapons. He doesn’t want to understand. He wants to keep her off balance, like a swordsman in a duel. Then, when she stumbles in her responses, he lunges for the kill. Remember: the value of a question depends on the underlying attitude of the person who asks it. If the attitude is sincere inquiry, questions can help. If we only want to wound, or protect our own hurting soul, questions become weapons.

Learn to listen and take time to listen

Like me, you may have trouble listening. People like us resemble Martha, a woman in the Bible. One day Jesus visited the house she shared with her brother and sister. Martha got busy preparing a meal for her honored guest, but Mary, her sister, sat with Jesus, giving him her full attention.

Serving a meal is important in Middle Eastern hospitality. Martha was a good hostess to her honored guest. But she felt that Mary was a slacker, so she complained about her lazy sister to Jesus. Jesus told her that Mary was actually doing what pleased him most. It seems that Martha thought she was fixing the main course, but she was really missing it. That day Mary’s attention was more important to the Lord Jesus than food.

You might have a spouse who says the same about you. My wife once told me that I was the only person she knew who could leave a room without using the door. Sure, my body is there. I nod, and even look straight at her, but my mind could be anywhere. Sometimes I even start doing some chore or read an article while she is talking with me. That kind of behavior doesn’t exactly assure her of my attention.

Thankfully, I am becoming a better listener, not great, but greatly improved. You can too. As a good friend once told me, “Learn to be present to the moment.” Don’t be so anxious to get to the bottom line. The trip is as at least as important as the destination; the process is at least as important as the conclusion. Give each other the wonderful gift of time and attention.

Finding the Right Pace

People think and respond at different speeds, like computers with different processors. Some, like me, think quickly and sometimes speak impulsively. Others, like my wife, need more time to process information and form a response. Neither type of person is more intelligent. They just think at a different pace.

If you are the faster thinker and respond more quickly, slow down. It will be good for you and good for your marriage. And, if you can adjust your pace in your marriage, you’ll become less impulsive and more patient in other settings as well.

If you are more deliberate, ask your spouse to be patient with you, to give you more time to process. Some of us need that reminder.

Most important, don’t leave your husband or wife hanging in silence. It’s like someone who puts you on hold when you call them, and then forgets to come back. Your silence may be necessary for you, but fast thinkers can generate many false assumptions during long, awkward pauses. Assure your partner that you’re listening, that you want to understand, and that you need some time to ponder. It will help reduce misunderstandings.

Learn to understand silence

You know the sound. You’re talking on your cell phone when suddenly, instead of your friend’s voice, all you hear is silence. You have been disconnected. Some couples have been disconnected all their married lives, seldom speaking or listening. Please do not assume that silence means rejection or anger. Silence can have many meanings:

• I have no words for how I feel. For some of us, this is often true. It’s hard to put feelings into words.
• I don’t trust myself to speak without doing some major damage. Because we fear that we can’t find the right words, we remain silent.
• I am afraid you’ll misunderstand me. Fear of being misunderstood disturbs many relationships, and sometimes with good reason. Some of us do a great job of making our spouses think they don’t speak clearly and accurately. It’s just another tactic for avoiding personal responsibility.
• You might ridicule me or belittle me. Does anyone want to appear foolish? Yet how often do we, in subtle ways and obvious ones, make our spouses feel like foolish?
• I am angry. It’s better to let an angry spouse have a little time to process.  Agree that you will talk about the issue a little later.
• I have given up hope. The only way to help a hopeless spouse is to assure him or her that you really do want to understand. Then put your assurance into action.

Avoid picking at words

People who criticize every word do not want to understand. Like the religious teachers in Jesus’ time, they divert attention from the real issues by making a big deal out of insignificant details. Jesus said those religious teachers filtered out little insects and swallowed big, ugly camels. Out of  pride and defensiveness, and a desire to control their mates, some spouses do the same thing.

Feelings are often deeper than words and sometimes, no matter how carefully we try to express them, we hurt each other. Remind yourself that the goal is a healthier relationship. If you pick at words, making an issue out of every small inaccuracy, you will never reach that goal.

Choose the right time and the right place.

We can really frustrate our efforts to communicate by trying to force communication at the wrong time. Of course, for some couples no time ever seems right. Too many obligations, too many appointments, and too little energy make it easy to remain disconnected. And when a couple have been disconnected for a long time they often find it easier to just stay that way.

Plan a time. Pick a place. Don’t let anything interfere. Talk like friends. Do not force the conversation to become serious right away. Laugh. Discuss. Let the talk develop. Though it may not feel spontaneous, given time you will relax and reconnect.

Evaluate

1. As a couple, do you have anything in common with Walter and Sharon?
2. Which is harder for you personally: expressing your thoughts or understanding your spouse?
3. With your husband or wife in mind, finish this statement: “It would help me understand you if you would . .”