In this lesson we cover perpetual problems, those problems that crop up over and over in your relationship. They may take new forms, but the underlying problems are the same.
We marry someone who has their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. We all choose someone with a particular set of un-resolvable problems. All couples argue. About 2/3 of the arguments in your marriage are about perpetual problems, that is Gottman’s finding from his research. That means if you are having an argument again, about the same issue, you are not alone. Your marriage isn’t worse than anyone else’s. But what you do with these arguments will place you among the Masters or Disasters.
When a perpetual problem comes up and you know you’re in for another bout over the same issues, there are some things you can do to reduce the damage and improve your marriage.
We talked in the last lesson about Taking a Break when either of you realizes you are getting ‘flooded.’ When your heart rate is over 100 beats per minute, you can no longer think clearly to carry on a conversation. Take time to calm down, 20 to 30 minutes is good and never over 24 hours.
When you begin again, there are some choices you can make.
You do not have to follow the same pattern you have in the past. You can make a choice about how you are going to respond. Choose kindness. Listen to the other side. Speak at a normal volume. Think about how your words are affecting the other. Anding a tender touch of affection can really help, too.
Choose humor. Masters are able to relieve tension in an argument with humor. This is victimless humor. It is not laughing at the other. Find some of the things that are being said or other things happening nearby to introduce some humor.
Most importantly, choose perspective. The goal is not solving the problem, it is dialogue. When you can talk about the issues, you will no longer be gridlocked.
Please watch the short Gottman video: Is There Hope?
Although many of your perpetual conflicts will never be completely resolved, there is a need to learn to find ways to compromise.
When the conflict is a recurring, perpetual problem, a compromise is necessary to find a workable solution for the time being. Compromise is defined by Mike Constantine as, “A mutual adjustment for the sake of improvement.” This means neither one gets their way 100% or gives in 100%. It means both choose to yield in some ways to improve the relationship.
Please get a copy for each of you of, The Compromise Exercise.
Then read: The Art of Compromise
After reading the article, use the Compromise Exercise page to consider one of your perpetual problems.
* Carefully consider your beliefs and your limitations concerning the issue at hand.
* In the center circle, write your most minimal core areas on which you cannot yield. Remember, you cannot have it all. But what part are you unable to yield?
*In the outside circle, write those parts of the situation on which you can yield.
When you are both ready, compare your charts. You may not have been aware of your spouse’s core areas on which they cannot yield. This gives you a chance to discuss why this is so vital to your spouse. With understanding, compromise is easier. You may easily see the parts you each can yield and a way to solve the problem for now or even permanently.
Next, read: The Aftermath of a Fight.
Don’t waste your arguments. Don’t let the pain inflicted or the frustration fester. When you are calmed down after a disagreement take some time to think about what caused it, how you handled the emotions, what you did that hurt the process, and what you could have done better. Don’t make another huge issue out of the discussion, but do learn from it. The point of the aftermath of a fight is understanding so that future fights do not have to get so intense and cause so much damage.
You may choose to go deeper into what triggers your fights. This is an optional article and exercise, but it is here for you use, if you want to use it. Discussing Triggers
This is no news. We all see the difference, but we may not realize the importance of the difference.
A dad looks, smells, sounds and acts differently than a mom. There are beneficial differences between moms and dads to the development of their children.
Dads are much more physically active with their children. They tickle, wrestle and throw theirs kids in the air. Moms use toys and talk to their children.
Dad’s style of play helps a child’s physical development and coordination. He teaches limits, like when enough is enough. They learn that biting and kicking are not acceptable. Dads encourage their kids to try harder and go faster which fosters independence and confidence in their own abilities.
Mom’s play helps her kids develop their language and communication skills. They learn social skills from her. She is usually more calm and quiet in play than dad. Kids have fun, but not the hilarity they may have with dad.
This diversity in approaches gives children a broad, rich experience in relating to others. Together they help their children remain safe while expanding their experiences and increasing their confidence.
Moms usually spend more time and are more involved with their children than dad. But dad’s time and style of play is vital to good development. Gottman says, “Rough and tumble play used by many dads can predict better self-control abilities in children. High energy, positive play can predict/effect how well a child will be viewed by other kids, and how well they will be accepted by their peers in school. The Gottman group found that the more emotionally involved a father was with his child at the age of four years, the more socially competent his child was at age eight!”
So dads, stay involved with your kids. Start when they are newborn and never stop having your time and playing with your kids.
Moms, make sure you allow dad to play with the kids — in his way. Encourage him to spend time with them. Just turn away if you can’t stand seeing him play rough and tumble. He loves his kids and won’t hurt them. Trust him.
Together make plans for times to play together with your children. Take turns leading the game and enjoy watching the way your kids thrive!
Kyle Benson from Gottman.com Blog- April 7, 2017
To read this article on line click 4 Typical Solvable Problems
(Do not feel obligated to follow all the links in this article. However, if you are having a problem in these areas, the links may be very helpful.)
Any seasoned counselor will tell you that even the happiest couples have problems. In fact, Dr. John Gottman, famous marriage researcher and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, has identified four of the most typical areas of solvable marital conflict: technology, work stress, money, and housework.
For a review of Dr. Gottman’s teachings on perpetual versus solvable problems, click here.
While something such as housework may seem like no big deal, there is emotional importance attached to these tasks that deepens our bond when they are accomplished. When these tasks are not accomplished, partners no longer feel like a safe haven for each other in the chaos of life—rather they make life for each other feel even more chaotic.
Here are four solutions to the most common solvable problems in relationships.
Disconnecting from distractions
Cultivating emotional connection and intimacy in the age of our attention economy has become a difficult task for couples. Take a moment and ask yourself: how much time do you think couples spend or should spent talking with each other?
In a Gottman research study on young couples in Los Angeles, the average amount of time partners engaged in face-to-face conversation was 35 minutes… a week! Even worse, the majority of these precious minutes were spent discussing errands—who takes out the garbage, who takes the kids to school, or what needs to be picked up at the grocery store—instead of the relationship. This mindset of relationship-comes-second leaves couples feeling lonely.
While communication issues have many causes, a common culprit in today’s world is the seemingly endless number of notifications from our digital devices. They have become a distraction from the real connection right in front of us.
Solution: If your lover is complaining that you’re more focused on your phone than your relationship, that’s an issue you need to take seriously, even if you don’t agree. The fastest solution is to sit down together and create a tech agreement.
This could be an agreement that both partners will not text, check email, or update their social profiles during specific times of the day or particular events, such as date night, mealtime, or when either of you needs to talk. It’s vital that this agreement feels fair to both of you.
Bringing work stress home
Many couples never think to discuss how they de-stress after work, but the way we handle—or don’t handle—work stress at the end of the day can cause unnecessary conflict.
Take, for example, Steve and Ashley:
Steve has a deadline for a big project and knows he’ll be up late. When he gets home from work, he feels angry because Ashley has moved his well organized notes from the previous day into a big pile. Ashley, who has a micromanaging boss, gets frustrated when she opens up the fridge to find leftover pizza and nothing else. “Where is the food? You promised you’d go to the grocery store. What’s wrong with you?”
The real question they should be asking each other is “What’s going wrong between us?” The truth is they are bringing their work stress home and allowing it to sabotage their relationship.
Solution: Discuss your end-of-the-day routine with each other. Dr. John Gottman calls this a ritual of connection.
One of the amazing things about relationships is that our attachment bond with our partner gives them the power to co-regulate our emotions. This means when we leave our baseline state and are upset or sad, our partner has a keen ability to bring us back to baseline. On the flip side of the coin are couples who only intensify the already upset feelings, making it feel worse for both partners.
To develop co-regulation, I’ve had to figure out what distresses me. As a result, I ended up developing a soothing ritual: when I get home after a long day I hug my partner until I relax (2 to 4 minute hug). Usually by the second minute, my body relaxes and I let out a big sigh.
By this point, I’m ready to connect. After I’m feeling calm, we come together to complain to each other about our day. During this time we each get to complain about the difficulties that occurred, while the other is understanding and supportive. This is formally known as the Stress-Reducing Conversation.
Scheduling formal whining sessions can prevent the spillover of everyday stress into your relationship.
One of the fastest ways to relax is to enlist your partner, but don’t be afraid to decompress by yourself before connecting with each other. Go for a run, meditate, or watch funny cat videos—whatever feels right to you. Then, when you’re ready, find your partner for your end-of-the-day ritual of connection.
Money
One of the most common areas of conflicts in marriage is about money, how to spend it, and how to save for the things that truly matter. Whether your bank account is full or you’re just getting by, you are bound to have conflict over money since money is so symbolic of our emotional needs. Balancing the emotional realities of money can be work for any couple since about money are so personal.
Solution: Most arguments about money are not actually about money. So, go beneath the dollar value to understand what money means to each of you. Before budgeting take time to have a constructive conversation about money and discuss any financial gridlock issues. After that, take time to prioritize your spending and then lay out an action plan for financial freedom.
Housework
When couples don’t do their agreed-upon share of the housework, issues in all aspects of the relationship may be impacted. One partner is left feeling disrespected and unsupported, which leads to resentment and ultimately a less satisfying relationship.
Often men are labeled the “slacker” around the house. From the men I’ve talked to in heterosexual relationships, they are not intentionally trying to be rude, they just don’t understand why housework is such a big deal to their partner. A man may agree that it’s unfair for his partner to work a second shift when she gets home, but many of them were raised in homes where their father did no housework, even if the mother worked, and old ways die hard.
British sociologist Ann Oakley documented that men tend to overestimate the amount of housework they do. Sometimes the man feels he should be applauded for his “help” but instead finds himself being asked to do more, which makes him defensive and likely to do less.
Solution: Have a conversation about housework and split up chores so it feels fair to both partners. Create a list to determine who should do what. Use this list talk about how things are currently handled and how you would like them to be handled. Some items to include: car care, child care, finances, food, house cleaning, and house projects.
According to Dr. John Gottman, “Women find a man’s willingness to do housework extremely erotic.” When the man does his share to maintain the home, both partners report a more fulfilling sex life than in marriages where the wife believes her husband is not doing his share. How’s that for motivation to get off the couch?
This article was originally published on Verily and republished with permission.
So what can we do when we realize we’ve stepped into a whirlwind of emotions?
Take-a-Break!
Remember, in lesson 3 in the article, ‘Turning Towards Your Child’, we talked about how to help a baby who is overstimulated? First you stop what you were doing with your child and you give them time to self-soothe. Taking a break uses the same principle. Stop the discussion right where it is and each one takes the time to self-soothe.
Taking a break is not the same thing as stonewalling. In stonewalling, we retreat from the conversation by leaving, either physically or emotionally. We quit talking and refuse to connect again in the discussion.
When an argument begins to spin out of control, we feel the physical symptoms of arousal; faster pulse and higher blood pressure. We begin having trouble processing new information and have difficulty listening. This certainly isn’t the atmosphere for solving our dilemma.
One or both of you may begin this process we call ‘flooding.’ You should have a previously agreed on signal that you can use when you need to take a break. It may be the sports signal making a T with your hands for ‘Time Out’, or something else you agree on.
At that point, you both agree to take a break. You set a time when you will begin again. A good length of time is about 20-30 minutes. It takes your body that long to deescalate from the fight or flight flooding.
What you do with this time is vital to the process.
- Don’t take the time to rehearse your arguments and try to plan an attack that cannot be refuted. Don’t just nurse your frustration and wallow in your emotions. Take a break!
- Do whatever it is that is relaxing for you. Take a walk, take a bath, meditate, listen to lovely calming music, take a power nap. Whatever you do, make the goal calming yourself.
Resume the discussion when you are both calmed down.
- Make it your goal to address the issue, not attack each other.
- Keep your voices down and avoid harsh words or tone.
- Try to understand what your spouse is saying.
In the next few lessons we’ll talk more about ways to come to an agreement that benefits your relationship.
Exercise:
Talk with your spouse about what signal you will use when you need to take a time out from a conflict.
Think about what activities are the most calming to you. Take 20 minutes calming yourself now. Then have a nice chat about something you like about your spouse. See how nice it feels? We can accomplish so much more when we are not flooded and stressed.