Lesson 10- Last Words

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We have come to the end of this class. There is so much more we could talk about, but these are the keys. It is important to practice the Gottman motto, “Small things often.” Keep that in mind and fill your days as husband and wife and parents and children with love. Love is expressed in our attitudes, as well as our words and actions. Find ways to let each member of your family feel important and valuable every day.

There are just two more articles to read. Take some time to read:
Last Words to Mom and Last Words to Dad.

In the days and months ahead there will be many articles and links that will help you in keeping your marriage strong and healthy and fun! Watch the Resource Page for more to come.

A Great Sex Life After Baby

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Most couples find intimacy drops after baby arrives. The hormones that flood our brains immediately after baby’s arrival, actually lower our sex drive for a period of time. This gives us the energy to deal with the stresses of a new baby and healing after delivery and while nursing is established. But all too often, couples do not resume a satisfying sex life.

There are proven ways to reignite your sexual desire for your spouse and find a new or even better intimacy than before baby.

As we talked about in the first few lessons in this Couple and Baby Class, enriching your friendship is vital. It is easy to slip into the habit of just talking about work, chores, and stress. We become exhausted by all that needs to be done in a day and add to that interrupted nights’ sleep and it is a recipe for friction and isolation.

Intimacy is rooted in a good friendship. So make your friendship a priority. Continue learning about your spouse every day. Be sensitive to your spouse’s appeals for connection and respond in loving ways. Affirm your spouse and appreciate all they are doing.

Do little and thoughtful things for each other. These are not hard tasks that take a long time. They are finding ways to let your spouse know you love and appreciate them. It is showing you are aware of what they are facing and what they need. Of course we still need to do the big things, but it is the little extras that you do because you want to do them that makes your spouse feel they are worth your time, attention, and love.

Look for opportunities for non-sexual affection. Enjoy touching each other for the joy it brings. Relax in one another’s arms. Rediscover the pleasure of kissing. There is something powerful in creating the “just us” element in your relationship. Holding hands, hugs, and tender touch are great ways to affirm your love for your partner. Physical affection sets the stage for sexual touch that is focused on pleasure.

Make sex a priority. Schedule it sometimes so you can look forward to it. Anticipation is a great aphrodisiac. Other times grabbing a moment for a “quickie” lets our spouse know we still enjoy their lovemaking.

Discuss your needs, desires, and frustrations

The Masters talk about their needs, desires, and frustrations in love-making. It is awkward to talk about. But here are a few guidelines that will make these discussions helpful and not harmful.

  • Be kind and positive in the way you talk about love-making. Do not criticize! Mention successes, not failures.
  • Be patient. Give your spouse time to put their feelings into words. Let your spouse know that what they say is safe with you.
  • Be flexible. Be willing to try something new. Sometimes a small adjustment makes all the difference in our partner’s pleasure.
  • Find acceptable ways to let your spouse know you are interested in sex or that you are not. You may need a non-verbal signal to avoid misunderstanding cues. The fact is, every couple will miss the signals sometimes. Don’t make a federal case out of it. A cuddle instead of sex may be the best alternative this time or may even warm up the one who lacked interest in the beginning.

What you go through in the weeks and months after baby’s arrival is common to all parents. What you do to and for each other can make all the difference in coping with the changes. If you practice building your friendship, turning towards instead of away from your spouse, and dealing better with your conflicts; you can navigate the intimacy changes like a Master. Don’t just hope things will get better. Take action and get help if you need it.

Now for some facts from research into Masters and Disasters. To read more about this: Building a Great Sex Life is Not Rocket Science

Inspired by the Normal Bar study, as well as Gottman’s study on more than 3,000 couples over four decades, he identified 13 things all couples do who have an amazing sex life.

  1. They say “I love you” every day and mean it
  2. They kiss one another passionately for no reason
  3. They give surprise romantic gifts
  4. They know what turns their partners on and off erotically
  5. They are physically affectionate, even in public
  6. They keep playing and having fun together
  7. They cuddle
  8. They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list
  9. They stay good friends
  10. They can talk comfortably about their sex life
  11. They have weekly dates
  12. They take romantic vacations
  13. They are mindful about turning toward

Couples with bad sex lives have the following characteristics in common.

  1. Spend very little time together during a typical week
  2. Become job-centered (him) and child-centered (her)
  3. Talk mostly about their huge to-do lists
  4. Seem to make everything else a priority other than their relationship
  5. Drift apart and lead parallel lives
  6. Are unintentional about turning toward one another

Making Your Dreams Come True

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Making our marriage as enjoyable and fruitful as possible, comes from the shared meaning for our lives. We may have some idea of what our life dreams are when we first marry. We have ideas and should have the character and values to see those dreams fulfilled on our wedding day. But it is through learning about each other while living day in and day out, facing challenges and maybe even hardships, that those dreams are refined and refocused.

Before we married, my husband and I knew we wanted to be in full-time Christian service. At that time, the only way we could see to do that was in pastoral ministry. Over the first eleven years we served on pastoral staffs and pioneered in a few different places. It was in the tenth year that we began to seek direction for some other way to serve full-time. We tried to go to Asia, but we were asked to go to Nigeria. This was in the capacity of teaching in a Bible School and being willing to serve in lots of other ways too. After two years, we sought and were approved to go to Malaysia to serve Christians there in any way we were asked to. That has led to so many opportunities we never could have imagined in our first years of marriage. Our work changed. Our location changed. Our dreams changed. But our values and our goals never changed.

Mixed into all those big changes, were continual changes in each of us. I became much more verbal and willing to speak, teach, and counsel. My husband has become a minister trusted with caring for churches, pastors, leaders, and families.

We share each other’s dreams. We don’t do the same thing in the same way. We are two individuals with different personalities and talents. But, we do all we can to help each other fulfill these dreams.

Mike has encouraged me to follow my own goals. I’ve gotten training and tried a number of different things. Some of them fizzled after giving them a good try. Some have been stepping stones to other opportunities. Mike has always been my supporter and cheered me on as I learned and practiced. He also gave me his blessing when I knew it was time to quit.

I listen to Mike verbalize his dreams and desires. I go with him whenever I can. I pray for him whether I’m there or not. I listen when he wants to process how a meeting went or allow him time and space when he needs to work through something on his own.

That’s what shared meaning is all about. It is about listening and asking questions that help the other clarify their thinking. It is about trusting our newly hatched ideas to the view of our mate, knowing we won’t be ridiculed or criticized for our dreams.

If you have never talked about your dreams, you may need a little help and direction for doing this safely.

To talk about such deeply felt, meaningful, and personal things is to make oneself vulnerable. That’s scary. But though the proposition may feel high risk, it can also offer high gain… and you won’t have to take the chances alone, or depend on your wits! Here are a few suggestions for showing honor, support, and respect for each other’s dreams when you have a conversation. This exercise comes from Ellie Lisista, Support Each Other’s Dreams:

  • Ask questions about the dream. One of our favorites is “What’s the story behind that?” Dreams usually have a history or a narrative behind them – they often come from your partner’s past.
  • Offer empathy. You don’t have to be ecstatic about this dream, but it may be helpful to express: “I understand why that is important to you.”
  • Offer emotional support and validation. Even if you can’t directly help them to achieve their dreams, communicate: “I am behind you 100%”
  • Participate in the other’s dream – read about the issue, help to make plans, offer advice if it is desired.
  • Give support – child-care, transportation, whatever you feel able to offer.
  • Join the dream on a trial basis – if it works well, consider joining it entirely – make it a part of your own vision

“Understanding the basis of each other’s dreams, each other’s most deeply felt hopes and desires for the future is one of the most rewarding experiences you can have in a relationship. But it can’t happen overnight: to open up to each other requires trust, real trust. Building trust, and feeling your partner begin to trust you, will bring you to a place in which this kind of connection is possible. And when you find this connection, your bond will naturally become stronger. The two of you will grow closer than ever, building your friendship, your intimacy, and your romance. Keep these things in mind as you encounter opportunities to try this approach with your spouse.” – Ellie Lisista

The dreams Mike and I have for our relationship, our lives, and our legacy are different than they were when we married. We are secure in our relationship. We easily talk and listen to each other. We hope you will develop your ability to dream together and have all encompassing shared meaning in your life.

5 Rituals to Reconnect Your Relationship

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by Terry Gaspard for Gottman.com Blog – June 2, 2017

To read on line see: 5 Rituals to Reconnect in Your Relationship

In his book The Intentional Family, Bill Dougherty discusses “rituals of connection” as an important tool for successful relationships. A ritual of connection is a way of regularly turning towards your partner that can be counted on.

Erica and Rob, both in their late forties, have been happily married for ten years and are raising three children. When I asked Rob about the rituals in their marriage, he reflects:

We hug every day when I get home because physical touch is one of my Love Languages. Erica is not as affectionate as I am, but she’s up for it because she knows how important it is to me.

Couples with relationships rich in rituals and traditions are able to create shared meaning, the top level of the Sound Relationship House.

Daily rituals shape our lives in positive ways

In The Power of Habit, author Charles Duhigg explains that habits are crucial to success in all realms of our life. Overall, they make us more productive and healthier. In a relationship, Dr. Gottman calls these habits rituals of connection.

Here are five rituals to help your relationship thrive.

1. Eat meals together without screens
It may not be possible to do this for every meal, but whenever possible, turn off the TV and put away your cell phone. Your emails and Facebook feed can wait.

2. Have a stress-reducing conversation
Spend 30 minutes each day having a “how was your day, dear?” talk. Kyle Benson explains that the purpose of this conversation is to discuss external stress. It’s not a time to bring up issues about your relationship. Couples who actively listen, take turns sharing how they feel, and show compassion to each other will reap the rewards of more emotional connection in their marriage.

3. Take a vacation
Take an annual vacation without the kids to somewhere you both agree upon. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have an annual honeymoon in the San Juan Islands off the coast of British Columbia. If your budget doesn’t allow you to take a vacation, you might try camping or looking for moderately priced accommodations nearby for a long weekend.

4. Exercise together
Go biking together every Saturday morning or take a daily post-dinner walk with your partner. Add a little novelty and excitement by trying kayaking in the summer or cross country skiing in the winter months. Studies show that sharing an exciting experience can bring couples closer together.

5. Share a six-second kiss
A daily six-second kiss will increase your emotional and physical intimacy. According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, physical contact releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone), can improve our mood (for days), and can help you stay calm. Holding hands, hugging, touching, and making out can reduce your stress hormones (cortisol) and increase your sense of relationship satisfaction. If kissing for six seconds feels like too much, share a hug like Erica and Rob.

Never underestimate the power of intentional time with your partner. Doing fun things together like singing in the shower or riding a bike can bring joy and laughter. Telling jokes, watching funny movies, or anything else that brings you both pleasure can ignite passion and keep you connected.

Dr. John Gottman suggests that couples commit to a magic six hours a week together, which includes rituals for saying goodbye in the morning and reuniting at the end of the day. Sticking to these rituals will help you to reconnect when life gets in the way.

Suggestions for Creating Shared Meaning

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Ellie Lisitsa for Gottman.com blog – February 1, 2013

You may read Create Shared Meaning on line. Included is a short video by Dr. John Gottman-

The following is the text of Ellie’s article:
Suggestions for Creating Shared Meaning come from Dr. Gottman’s celebrated book, The Relationship Cure. These ideas are ones that you can use in all your relationships, whether it be with your partner, children, siblings, extended relatives, and even friends! Try out a few of them over the next couple weeks, and see how your relationships grow closer and start to feel more connected:

Things to do for (and with) your friends and family:

  • Ask “How are you?” in a way that shows that you really want to know
  • Listen to stories and jokes, even when you’ve heard them before
  • Return things you borrow
  • Say thank you for favors, trade big favors (painting houses, building decks, etc)
  • Offer spur-of-the-moment invitations to go out for coffee, dinner, a movie
  • Accept spontaneous invitations (if you can!)
  • Ask for advice, give advice, don’t feel obligated
  • Know when what you are asking for is too much
  • Remember birthdays, give personalized gifts, don’t feel that you must overspend
  • Offer compliments
  • Accept apologies
  • Let them off the hook when they say “I can’t do it, I’m exhausted”
  • Let them be upset if they need to be
  • Ask for help
  • Let them help you
  • When they are stressed, try to help them (within your power)
  • Collaborate on projects
  • Talk on the phone
  • Host parties for mutual friends
  • Exercise together
  • Volunteer together
  • Celebrate each other’s successes
  • Show affection
  • Cry together
  • Laugh together
  • Share hugs

All of these activities are really ways of Turning Towards those who are near and dear to you. The 7 levels of The Sound Relationship House are all connected:

  1. Building Love Maps
  2. Sharing Fondness and Admiration
  3. Turning Towards
  4. Keeping A Positive Perspective
  5. Managing Conflict
  6. Making Life Dreams Come True
  7. Creating Shared Meaning

You can’t maintain a successful, healthy relationship without keeping these levels of the house stable – instability on one level can make the whole house fall down. But don’t panic! This will add to the instability! Relax. As you learn to apply Dr. Gottman’s research-based skills to your own relationships, the ways in which you interact with your loved ones will naturally become healthier and build stronger bonds – bonds that will last a lifetime.