Making our marriage as enjoyable and fruitful as possible, comes from the shared meaning for our lives. We may have some idea of what our life dreams are when we first marry. We have ideas and should have the character and values to see those dreams fulfilled on our wedding day. But it is through learning about each other while living day in and day out, facing challenges and maybe even hardships, that those dreams are refined and refocused.
Before we married, my husband and I knew we wanted to be in full-time Christian service. At that time, the only way we could see to do that was in pastoral ministry. Over the first eleven years we served on pastoral staffs and pioneered in a few different places. It was in the tenth year that we began to seek direction for some other way to serve full-time. We tried to go to Asia, but we were asked to go to Nigeria. This was in the capacity of teaching in a Bible School and being willing to serve in lots of other ways too. After two years, we sought and were approved to go to Malaysia to serve Christians there in any way we were asked to. That has led to so many opportunities we never could have imagined in our first years of marriage. Our work changed. Our location changed. Our dreams changed. But our values and our goals never changed.
Mixed into all those big changes, were continual changes in each of us. I became much more verbal and willing to speak, teach, and counsel. My husband has become a minister trusted with caring for churches, pastors, leaders, and families.
We share each other’s dreams. We don’t do the same thing in the same way. We are two individuals with different personalities and talents. But, we do all we can to help each other fulfill these dreams.
Mike has encouraged me to follow my own goals. I’ve gotten training and tried a number of different things. Some of them fizzled after giving them a good try. Some have been stepping stones to other opportunities. Mike has always been my supporter and cheered me on as I learned and practiced. He also gave me his blessing when I knew it was time to quit.
I listen to Mike verbalize his dreams and desires. I go with him whenever I can. I pray for him whether I’m there or not. I listen when he wants to process how a meeting went or allow him time and space when he needs to work through something on his own.
That’s what shared meaning is all about. It is about listening and asking questions that help the other clarify their thinking. It is about trusting our newly hatched ideas to the view of our mate, knowing we won’t be ridiculed or criticized for our dreams.
If you have never talked about your dreams, you may need a little help and direction for doing this safely.
To talk about such deeply felt, meaningful, and personal things is to make oneself vulnerable. That’s scary. But though the proposition may feel high risk, it can also offer high gain… and you won’t have to take the chances alone, or depend on your wits! Here are a few suggestions for showing honor, support, and respect for each other’s dreams when you have a conversation. This exercise comes from Ellie Lisista, Support Each Other’s Dreams:
- Ask questions about the dream. One of our favorites is “What’s the story behind that?” Dreams usually have a history or a narrative behind them – they often come from your partner’s past.
- Offer empathy. You don’t have to be ecstatic about this dream, but it may be helpful to express: “I understand why that is important to you.”
- Offer emotional support and validation. Even if you can’t directly help them to achieve their dreams, communicate: “I am behind you 100%”
- Participate in the other’s dream – read about the issue, help to make plans, offer advice if it is desired.
- Give support – child-care, transportation, whatever you feel able to offer.
- Join the dream on a trial basis – if it works well, consider joining it entirely – make it a part of your own vision
“Understanding the basis of each other’s dreams, each other’s most deeply felt hopes and desires for the future is one of the most rewarding experiences you can have in a relationship. But it can’t happen overnight: to open up to each other requires trust, real trust. Building trust, and feeling your partner begin to trust you, will bring you to a place in which this kind of connection is possible. And when you find this connection, your bond will naturally become stronger. The two of you will grow closer than ever, building your friendship, your intimacy, and your romance. Keep these things in mind as you encounter opportunities to try this approach with your spouse.” – Ellie Lisista
The dreams Mike and I have for our relationship, our lives, and our legacy are different than they were when we married. We are secure in our relationship. We easily talk and listen to each other. We hope you will develop your ability to dream together and have all encompassing shared meaning in your life.